I know the full moon was this past Monday, so it can't be that, but WOW what a difference of moods from before I went to lunch till now. I was feeling alone and tired before lunch. Now I'm irritated and annoyed.
I went to lunch with Sam. Simply Turkey. The lunch was okay, but I got full pretty fast. I was thinking the whole time he has NOT asked me anything today. Like - How are you? Did you weigh in? How did you rest? Were you up early with the baby? - Just.."how was work going"?
I told him how work was going, but since he didn't ask, I volunteered the informatin about how I was feeling. I told him I don't know why but I woke up moody. I knew why though... I was moody because I was feeling abandoned again. I waited for him last night and he came to bed almost two hours after I asked him to come up soon. Then he crawls into bed - with liquor on his breath and falls asleep without even saying good night. To be fair he did manage an I Love You.
Then and hour and half later I'm awakened by the baby - WIDE awake. He went to bed at 7:30 so it was no wonder he was awake by 4am. I manage to catch up on 3 episodes of Grey's Anatomy anyway.
Our lunch conversation finally was moved towards the fact that I was hoping we could spend some time together this weekend and that I missed him this week. He was home - we just never got any alone time. And there was PLENTY after the kids wen't to sleep.
I asked if there was a reason he didn't come to bed last night right away - at 1am? When I asked him too. He admitted he was mad about me making a decision on Rachel's birthday party without him. I made the decision because I wanted something decided and nothing was. AND the fact that Rachel was throwing a hissy fit. AND the fact that if we don't do it the next weekend she's with us, she can't have it till June 28th and that's after Sarah's birthday! So I said fine - next weekend and Rachel and I ran out to get the stuff to make her invites. That's the point he pretty much stopped speaking to me. Sadly enough - i didn't realize that till he didn't come to bed till 2:30am.
Ugh. I have been making SUCH an effort to speak to him when I'm not feeling good about something or moody or worried about something. I've opened myself up and have been completely honest with him. He did NOT do the same for me. WTF??? He didn't even bring this up till I outright ASKED him myself!! He says he was trying to think it over and decide if he was over-reacting. I like to do the same thing, but I've stopped doing that so I won't hold a grudge and we'll get to the bottom of it then and there....
Then as he got out of the van at lunch the only thing I could offer to do to "help" my mistake of making the decision was to cancel my back procedure. He slammed the door after shouting at me that he didn't want me to cancel. Bam - no discussion.
He called two minutes later. By then the tears were already running down my face. I don't know what else to do. He won't talk to me when we have the time to talk. I pry things out of him before work or during lunch - then we run out of time to discuss them further. He won't come to bed to talk things out. And yet I remember him specifically saying we have lots of time to talk, but we chose not to. No - not we Sam. YOU. You chose not to. I've opened myself up - trusting you'll do the same. And you don't.
Yet once again - it falls back on me. It was ME who made the decision without discussing with him in private. It was ME he's who screwed up. It was ME who made him mad. And ME he's afraid will react badly.
He never gives me a chance. So unfair. And I just know once again it will be ME who gets hurt because he's has protected himself from opening up. He keeps saying we should sit down to discuss things no matter how small they are. I feel like I'm the only one talking. And if I don't do that there will be NO conversation at all. I'm still prying things out of him.
I am really really sad and things had been going so well.
1:43 p.m. - 2008-05-23
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