You don�t have to be a genius to figure out where that friendship went. We had fun with it. It brought about a bunch of new feelings, like being in love or lust or whatever you want to call it. Enjoying a kiss. Each felt like the first time...ahhhh. It brought my senses alive. I felt like I had been dead for so long. It was very stimulating and rejuvenating. It lasted for over eight months. We started making promises that meant we were going to be changing our lives forever. Discussing the �D� word and all the consequences. I wasn�t sure about how committed he was and he wasn�t sure how committed I was. I know now it was obviously more me than him. I can understand though that neither one of us wanted to end up with nothing, so neither would be the first to do anything drastic.
Needless to say�it�s over now � he ended it which in many ways I�m glad he did because it was very stressful. That�s an understatement. Of course his way of doing it wasn�t very nice. I guess I didn�t realize until now that he was never a nice person. He accused me of being �indecisive� and that was why it had to end and why it wasn�t going to work. Yeah right. He was just looking for somewhere to place the blame. Not even man enough to admit any mistakes of his own. But if that�s how he had to come to terms with ending it. So be it.
One thing that really bothered me though was that he accused me of something VERY false.. that I was considering deserting my children. He said I was ready to give up my two girls so we could be together. He said it was �wrong� to just walk away. YEAH�it is wrong!! Why did he think I was going to do that? Hello? I guess that was the first clue that he really never did know me and understand me. I once said that I may have to leave instead of kicking out my husband. I never meant without my girls. I can�t imagine where he got that idea, but no man would ever come between me and my girls. That by far was the biggest insult. So now he has officially said the WORST thing anyone has ever said to me. It really stung and I'll never forget it.
Only one friend knew anything about him, but never met him. She would have slapped me if she had ever met him. He really wasn�t anything special to look at. In fact he was overweight, balding and had a rough complexion. He didn�t have a real promising future, in fact he made less money than I did. He�s an alcoholic and a smoker. Funny how none of that seemed to matter. Yeah � she definitely would have said �WHAT WERE YOU THINKING�??? Before I was married I dated many GQ looking men. In fact I married one. And even within the past few years I�ve attracted many good-looking, wealthy men with much more to offer. But none of them seem worth messing up my life for. Even funny to think that THIS is the one who seemed worth it AND that he broke it off with me. That was a first for me.
I�m glad in many ways I�m back into my real world, but reality does suck sometimes. I bruise easily. His words stung. I have a lot of hatred for him now yet I find myself checking my e-mails a dozen times a day just hoping to see something from him.
I do miss talking carelessly to him and being able to be completely honest with someone. I�m not sure why I miss him so much. I wish it would go away so I can get back into my marriage and on with my life. I think its more about feeling repudiated. Disowned. I hate it when I�m not the center of attention. Funny isn�t it?
It was certainly an opportunity within itself. No regrets. You can�t go through your life not taking chances just because you are afraid of the consequences of failing. If you did, your life wouldn�t be very exciting and you could miss out on many wonderful experiences. Life always goes on.
Darn...why do I miss him so much though?
4:10 p.m. - 2005-03-31
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