Well let's see... things are going pretty fast. Last week, Tuesday, I told my husband we need to finish this marriage off. The Counselor said we ae done. I say we are done. Let's face reality. Its done. Let's get divorced and end it already. I did it because the stress was starting to kill me. I was so worked up - had some really bad headaches - clost to migraines but not quite. I've lost track of the fever-blisters!
It was bad at first. I had a knot in my stomach the whole time. Then I just wanted to get in my car and head for the hills or something... beach - anywhere. Lori was going through the same thing. We are truly a pair she and I.
So by this weekend the reality thatwe are finished had finally gotten through to him. That its really over, but yet he said nothing and didn't try to even talk about what was going on. So... of course....he asked me first thing yesterday before I was headed into work. "What are we going to do?" OH BOY!! I hate when he does that. I was exhausted. So... we talked again. Although I made sure that I told him when we got home that I didn't like it when he did that. This "talking" thing is so very hard for me... I enjoy getting the feelings out, but I'm just tired!! So we talked another 3 hours about what to do now.
I think we'll get through this and still manage to be very civil towards each other. I know I can. I always am. I know he won't find it easy at times, but I needed to do this for both of us and the girls.
I want a different life - one free of secrets that allows me to just be myself and speak my mind and not live in fear of pissing someone off....certainly not that one. In fact I know what I want.... I want love. I want a relationship of love and caring. In fact I'm sure I want one with Rod - its all I've thought about since the first time we kissed. Although I felt we connected even before that.
He sent me an e-mail today...here it is. I'm keeping it in here because it makes me smile....
Hi baby,
I know it's been a while since I sent anything to you here. Shame on me!!!
I just need to know that you still have absolutly no doubts about us. This whole thing is an emotional roller coaster. Up, down highs and lows.
Forgive my lack of self confidence, I just don't want to let you down, ever. I know it's impossible to see the future or to plan anything together without even knowing what's around the next corner. I'm babbling, I just feel like the luckiest man in the world and don't want the feeling to end.
You will never bore me, there will be plenty of things to occupy our time, that's not an issue.
I'm thinking too much, i have NO expectations of you, just to live with you will be all I can ask.
I Love You
3:23 p.m. - 2005-07-12
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