Day Two....
When things are really going great in my life i don't take time to write..... because I'm so caught up on the feeling I suppose. Writing is always the farthest thing from my mind.
When I'm in total depression or just even beginning to feel low I head for the diary to vent. I would hate to look back on all my entries to read depressing thoughts and obvious signs of anger or sadness.
So I will make a promise to myself. Whenever anything wonderful happens in my life I'll log on and record it. Even if its one line. Okay? There! Let's see how that holds up.
Its day two without Rod in my life. It is still my every thought. I can't believe how often I have cried in these past few days. I'm a person who has one good cry and I'm done with it. Why did that change?
It was all the emotional background he and I shared. All the talks, all the hugs and most importantly all the passion in our kisses. He once told me he loved me so much he could just cry. I knew exactly how he felt because it was love, joy and happiness like I had never felt before. But truth is..even though I would tear up...I didn't ever really cry over loving him so much. Afterall it was a good thing.
Now, all I can do is cry when I think how much I love him. Because now its no longer a good thing. All I want to do is cry.....and so I do. I hope I never forget that the pain of this is very real.
My day went so slow yesterday. I asked him two days ago to share the results of his blood test in regards to the Hepatitus. I knew he had his appt. yesterday morning. He replied "no reason". But i responded that I do still care about him and pray for him and asked him to consider sharing the results with me. He shut me down again with "he cannot have any communication with me at all" - think I might have mentioned that in yesterday's blog.
So yesterday afternoon I log into my e-mail to delete all his old e-mails of how much he loved me and my heart stopped when I see there's an e-mail from him. It was a full explanation of what the results were. It was what he typed out for his ex-wife since she too was infected. So I read the results and at the bottom he puts this...
Please do not take this as a sign that things have changed on my end, I just thought you would like to know. I will not look here for a reply so PLEASE do not send one. I am sorry for breaking your heart like i did. I wish you ALL the best.> Every time I e-mail him I think of it as our last time. The last time I'll ever get to speak to him. Our last words, dying words. That's it. It is done and it is over. I have my own results... I feel like a complete idiot. All of this has leftme numb. But I know the numbness will wear off, there will be pain again, then it will disappear and I will have feeling back in my heart. I can't believe this is my life. 7:35 a.m. - 2005-08-04
So.... now I'm thinking what the heck? Why did he let me know the results when he said there was no reason. You know I want to read into this as a sign that he hasn't really let this all go. He does know I care and still worry. So I responded with "well since you won't look her for a response what do I have to lose? I'm relieved to find out the Hep C is 100% curable even though you have to have a biopsy performed on your liver, it is the best news you could hear at this point" then I told him "I'll never understand what happened Rod, never."
Recent entries:
BAMBOOZLED? - 2016-10-04
Beer, Boobs and Bacon - 2016-09-30
Your Battery is Low - 2016-09-29
Day Drinking. Alone. - 2016-09-23
More Wine Please. - 2016-09-21
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