Day six.....still without Rod
Monday. Without Rod officially in my life, but... not entirely. It was an interesting day for me at work. It took an hour or so but he finally e-mailed me and asked if I told my girls about the divorce. So I told him that I did. And that he probably didn't want to hear the details.
He basically asked if they took it well and I explained how it all went down. I also told him how pissy John was all weekend and that I had to get back to finding an apartment.
He said he was in the Harrisburg area shopping over the weekend. I told him I was too. and that we were in the same shopping area at the same time. He said he sensed that I was there..... he was right. I asked what would he have done had he run into me. I made a comment that I would hope she wouldnt' know who I was. He said she knows I have two girls and am in the process of a divorce. She doesn't know what I look like though... this is a good thing. He said he would hope I would just walk by and she wouldn't even notice me. I said she may try to attack me if she did see us catch each other's eyes. He said he would never let her attack me. I said like he has control over her 100% of the time.
Through many more e-mails we began discussing how my husband was planning on not letting the girls go to OBX with me..or him. Or whomever.. Then finally out of nowhere, Rod gave me an explanation as to what happened last week. He said don't let John control me...and well, this is what he said:
" That is exactly what happened to me Linda, she used my WHOLE fucking family against me.
My kids, my grandmother was going to pull the loan out from under me, my mom. Everybody, I panicked. Don�t let him do it you. "
I told him I was glad he finally gave me an explanation and that I understood what he did now. It was a normal reaction to do what he did, not right, but normal I guess.
More importantly he admitted that he panicked and did not turn off his feelings for me and nor were they subsiding. Important words there...
After that, I told him about my two dreams. I gave him the good one first, then the bad one. And didn't tell him about any of the others in between since I didn't have them in my diary anyway. He was glad we got together in my one dream, but was surprised and stated that I must have had some inner hatred for him when he read my first dream.
Well no kidding!! What he did to me last week was the shittiest thing anyone has EVER done to me. Okay maybe not EVER, but he really did break my heart and the pain of it was very real. I will NEVER forget how badly that hurt. I mean GOD... here i was thinking the whole time that there was NO way he was telling her he would stay or was even THINKING about ending what we had... and apparently its exactly what he was doing. CRUSHED - I was CRUSHED. So yeah! My dream was appropriate when he kept stabbing me, but he should know that even when I was hurt I didn't want to stab him back and I didn't want the police to shoot him cause even as bad as he hurt me I still loved him...
But then again... it was just a dream.
And... yes, I do still love him.
6:29 p.m. - 2005-08-08
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