Okay, so I had a half-decent weekend. They really do seem to be going much faster now that I no longer live with John. That is a sure sign that I'm beginning to truley enjoy life again. I never realized how secluded...dare I say "trapped" I felt being around him. I'm looking forward to getting off work each day and relaxing on the weekends with family or friends.
Rod even called me a few times over the weekend and appeared to be having a good weekend too. And that made me happy. The man is miserable than not...so hearing he was having a good day, was good! But I think it was Saturday he was having a hard time with his wife text messaging another guy. He found it annoying and obvious she was trying to make him mad. Well...duh...that's what women do.... LOL!
She is supposed to be moving out in two weeks, she has already filed for divorce and all ties are off according to him. I couldnt' help but wonder why he gave in to the aggravation that she was texting another man. Jealous? I mean by the way he was carrying on I would say yes, I think he was. Need I point out here that jealousy is a sign of love no matter what anyone says....it's true! And... I'm sure he does still love her. It makes me wonder whether he's really as "out" of that relationship as he has convinced himself that he is. I on the other hand have felt NO jealousy whatsoever with John and his girlfriends or any kind of flirting he has done over the past. Still don't and doubt I ever will. I'm happy that he has develped a life outside of work and home again. I think he needed that more than he realized.
Sunday I was supposed to get furniture from one of my neighbors, Carl, who moved out (to move back with his wife..LOL). Actually it was a friend of his, named Andrea who has it. So Sunday as I was at Lori's (enjoying crabs and several drinks) Carl called to say his brother's cart was broken and he wouldn't be able to get the furniture for me. :( So he gave me the phone number of the 'furniture people' and I made arrangements myself with Andrea's husband (or boyfried) Dave so I could come pick it up later in the week. Lori said I could borrow her truck, but then I needed someone who would be willing to drive it for me. Not sure who that will be yet, but I'll find someone! Didn't want to ask her and Dave cause they are so busy and still haven't even had time to bring the table and chairs over to my place.
Yesterday after I got into work, I spoke to Rod briefly. We had planned on meeting each other for lunch at my place yesterday, but he said he was busy and it was a bad day to do it. I was too so I agreed that "no lunch" for us was probably best. I sent him an e-mail or two to see how he was doing and he never replied. A little odd..
Then at 4:20 I called him and said he wasn't supposed to go the WHOLE day without speaking to me (joking). Well........ he was in a mood. I immediately heard his voice change and could tell he was actually mad about "something". He was brushing me off left and right, saying he should drive his car over the side of a bridge on the way home, that his life sucked and 'oh well I should just get over it if I didn't like it'. What the fuck? Was he off his fuckin meds?? I was so hurt. He has no idea. I kept trying to cheer him up and keep things positive..trying to encourage him, but he kept shutting me down with negative comments.
I felt like screaming!!! Although I had this thought then that if I did he would just go home and tell his wife not to leave. Acting like a baby in need of his momma!! UGH!!!
So, now suddenly I've become extremely insecure about him and I. I mean whatcould I do? I just had to take the mood as it was and say nothing. GOD - that was tough. Me the VERBAL one?? I did NOT like how we hung up. He has no idea how I feel about him and what this kind of shit does to me.
So when I went home last night completely upset about this whole little "fit" and worrying about things I really shouldn't at this point. Around 6:30 I called his cell to see if he at least made it to his daughter's cheerleading at highschool football game - he did. And he was in a little better mood. Thank FUCKIN God!!
So feeling a little better that he was over his episode, I had to rush off the phone to take Rachel to soccer myself. He called me later last night to say he was much better and apologize. I was so worked up and upset by that time I had actually developed another FUCKIN fever blister!!! DAMMIT!!! And on top of all of that, I honestly felt he had no clue how upset he had made me. I can't take any more pain from him. Why do I even TRY with this one?? He has broken my heart completely in half before and I can't take that again. I just can't!! I could feel my fist clenching and my mind starting to block out the world. Funny I even remember that now that I'm calm...here...typing it all out in my faithful journal. Actually.... I felt like punching a wall yesteday!! Me? Really? Violent? I wanted to throw a fit, kick and scream and HURT someone. An inner rage like I've never felt. But then I felt like an ass once again for giving into such feelings. STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!
The only really good thing that happened yesterday was that Sam (a former co-worker of pv) offerred to help me get the furniture from Carl's friends. Yeah! So Friday he and I are going to meet after work to go pick up Lori's truck and go get it. What an absolute sweetheart -he probably has no idea how happy that made me to have his help. In fact if it wasn't for our e-mails going back as of late and ALL day yesterday - I probably would have gone mad.
Didn't stop that fever blister from coming though.... damn these things!!!!
9:11 a.m. - 2005-10-04
Recent entries:
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