Okay.... so now we are at the end of February.
My resolution updates:
1) Lose weight - I've lost over 20 lbs! Woohooo. I feel absolutely great!!
2) New Job - promotion went through, been doing the work so its like just getting more money for doing what I've always done...
3) Be nicer - think twice and so on... Okay so maybe that's where today's entry should begin.
I honestly don't believe I've mentioned it enough in my past entries, but I've had issues with Sam's drinking. I've been forgiving. I'm working with my New Year's Resolution to be nice here... think before responding. But how nice do I have to be?? How much do I have to put up with???
It was his drinking that got out of control back in October right after I had the baby. That's when we finally "talked" for the first time about what was going on with us. We were almost at the point of not speaking to one another. And...He drank alone and he drank alot!! Fortunatley we both recognized that our relationship was in jeopardy. Things had to improve and for the most part, they have. Drastically. The only thing that hasn't (it appears) is that my dear husband has not stopped drinking himself numb.
I've had two different occassions in the past month where he drank so much he couldn't even respond to me. The first was a couple of weeks ago when I had to work late. Typically I work past midnight, but this particular night I actually made it home by 10:30 PM. By the time I came home he had drank so much I couldn't even wake him. And HE was suppose to be watching the baby?? WTF? Now I know the baby was asleep early - like around 7pm right after I left for work that evening and would likely sleep for a while (getting up around midnight). But... still, he was responsible for watching our son. He wasn't "ALONE" like he referred to himself as when we talked. He was so drunk when I got home he wouldn't wake up for me standing right there in front of him and throwing cold water on his face , so I know damn well he wasn't going to wake up for the baby. UGH!!
I could go on about the fact that a lamp in the baby's room was knocked over and sitting on a gift bag full of tissue paper. But I'll try to stay focused here. JEEZ - if there was a fire...oh I don't want to even think about it. Ugh...
So... that following morning. I was pissed. And we talked. And talked... And he agreed that his drinking got out of hand.
Do ya think???
So not that I'm happy about it, but he basically put it in my hands to say that he can only drink when I give him permission. Okay - fine, I'll go along with that because at least I know when he's on the bottle and can check on him.
Two nights later - he makes himself a STIFF drink of tequila mixed with diet coke (to 'see' how it tastes he says). He NEVER asked me if he could. I came downstairs to see what he was doing and he offerred me a taste. I didn't want to taste it. I wanted to know what the fuck he was doing having a drink without asking me!! Okay - so I was pissed and let him know. We laid down the rules ONCE again. NO drinking whatsoever without me knowing. He said he was just being lazy and thought I had gone to bed - blah blah blah. Believe me, I read nothing but excuses from him on that one. The sad part is I continue to trust him on this...
Okay this past Tuesday. He calls me on his way to bowling. He says "honey - I forgot to ask. Do you mind if I drink tonight?" I said okay because he does drink with his bowling buddies. Scotch and they don't overdo it. When he came home at 10:00 he seemed to pause between conversations. I was so tired I couldnt' tell if he was tired or if he was still feeling the liquor from bowling...
I was laying down with Sammy in Rachel's bed and he asked me to come to our bed and put the baby in the crib. I knew he didn't get much rest the night before and said it would be better if I just spent the night where I was so we can both get rest. For the record - the baby sleeps very well when its just him and I laying in Rachel's bed. I'm guessing he doesn't do this for Sam.
So I agreed to put the baby in his nursery and come to bed. When I got into bed he says he's wired and was going downstairs to play games and wind down a little... I said okay - but no more drinking, right? He said right. I said Promise! He chuckled, I promise! I'm just going to unwind. I said okay - make sure you come up to bed then soon, before midnight? Okay. He says Okay...
12:30 after midnight - he's not in bed.
1:45 - he's not in bed yet...I have a feeling he began drinking again...but he promised he wouldn't - I have to trust him.
2:30 - still NOT in bed. I'm too tired to consider walking down stairs - maybe he's in Rachel's room laying down with the baby (which would STILL piss me off since he begged me NOT to do that)
3:10 I hear him come upstairs.
3:45 - Baby is crying - literally SCREAMING for a bottle! WTF??
I go into Rachel's room and there's the baby laying on the bed next to Sam with an empty bottle on the night stand. I called Sam's name several times, he doesn't budge. I reach over and pick up the baby to console him of course and Sam finally wakes a little.
I'm pissed.
I asked if he was drinking - he says.. mumbling..."um, uh...yeah I drank" I'm thinking he's still asleep and he's referring to the Scotch he had at bowling.
I asked him three times to just go over to our bed and go back to sleep. He just laid there barely responding. So I took the baby and went downstairs to the kitchen to get him a bottle.
By 5:30 a.m. - (this was actually yesterday morning) the baby still awake, I finally had to go back upstairs and ask Sam to wake up so I can get ready for work. I can't wake him up. Evn though he mumbles...I'm awake and keeps falling asleep. He even sat up- then fell over. Oh yeah... I sure as hell don't trust hime with the baby at this point.
I mean when the baby woke up earlier and was screaming right next to him Sam didn't even move. He was passed out DRUNK. Not that it occurred to me right away, but our baby could have rolled off the bed or even worse - Sam could have rolled over on him! Once again Sam has put his pleasures first. And our baby in danger.... time for another discussion.
So over the course of the morning and throughout the day (during lunch hour and after work) we talked about it again. He seems to think he can quit drinking altogether and that will solve his problem. I think he needs counseling. We both do. I dont' iknow what to do anymore. If he tells me he's quitting - I can't trust him any more. He lied to me and he not only lied, but he BROKE a promise. I don't know. I'm not feeling very good about any of this... I want to trust him so bad, but I jsut can't. I know he has a disease - and it's called alcoholism.
He did tell me he's extremely depressed and wants to stop drinking on his own and consider Welbutrin for the depression and to stop his snuff chewing too. I'm okay with that, but what kind of husband will I have? Will he still be useless to me? Will he be able to respond to me when having a normal conversation or will it be like hanging out with a vegetable? I need a husband and Sammy needs his dad.
I don't know what to do. I just don't. I feel he's going to tell me he's quit drinking and just buy bottles and hide them. I didn't poor out any of the liquor in our liquor closet yet, but I'm monitoring them anyway. I can't trust him. I hate that I feel this way and I hate that he's like this and I hate that he's put me in a position to even be worried about him like this.
And yes - I often feel its my fault because I believe it was my pregnancy that gave him permission to drink alone. My pregnancy was when I got so bitchy he didn't even want to be near me. I'm not using my pregnancy as an excuse, but jsut stating that's when he began drinking so much. Alone.
The baby is 6 months old now. Sam still drinks alone.
He PROMISED me he wouldn't drink. Sam still drinks. Alone.
We still haven't really resolved anything. I said he needs counseling and he wants to try to stop on his own. Alone.
I-just-don't-know!!!!!
I'm the one who feels ALONE!
3:13 p.m. - 2008-02-21
Recent entries:
BAMBOOZLED? - 2016-10-04
Beer, Boobs and Bacon - 2016-09-30
Your Battery is Low - 2016-09-29
Day Drinking. Alone. - 2016-09-23
More Wine Please. - 2016-09-21
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