It's Tuesday. Sam goes bowling tonight and I'm already dreading the evening without him. Maybe I can sleep it away.
I've been trying so hard to be happy and make our house a happy home. It wouldn't appear like I am to Sam or anyone else I'm guessing, but I have been literally holding my tongue and trying to remind myself that this ALL can be taken away from me. Sam and I are not invincible - this marriage can end like any other. And that thought depresses the shit out of me.
Yesterday morning I gave him a card that talked about "all I want" and even though its sounds selfish it was to let him know that I want is our lives to be simple enough to enjoy with each other, yet for us to be strong enough to take on anything unexpected.
He said thanks for the card and that's about it. Not sure if he really read it or if that's all he could say. I'm glad he atleast acknowledged it.
Then yesterday after work he brought me flowers. It really made my heart sing inside - those flowers represented more than just a nice gesture. It let me know that he cares enough about me to still want to surprise me with thoughtful gifts. And more importantly that he still thinks about me during his day. I gave him a nice long hug when I got out of the van. Maybe that was my concern... he said "thanks" for the card, but there wasn't a hug or anything....
Still - he bought me flowers. That's a good thing. I just wish there was more appreciation on the physical side. He was sick since Sunday and hasn't really been in the "mood" for anything physical. Me on the otherhand, I'm ready to jump him!!! I don't know if its because I'm feeling so neglected, deserted or lost, but I would go for it every night if he suggested it.
Why can't we match up our moods?
Then there's today.... I woke around 2am because the dog was barking. I had just fallen asleep after Sam came to bed around 1am. That damn dog!!
I went downstairs to let her out and poured myself a glass of water. Something woke me up because sleep was the furthest thing from my mind at that point.
So I stayed up.
I surfed the web and entered my food plan for the day. Made a pasta salad with black olives, chickpeas and tuna. Packed our lunches then Sammy woke up around 5:00 a.m.
I pretty much knew past 4:30am I wasn't going back to bed.
My ass should be dragging today, but its not. In fact I'm perfectly fine as far as energy, its my mood that's kind of all funky.
I'm stressed about how late we may be working this rebudget season. I'm stressed about "wondering" what's going through Sam's head about our relationship. And mostly I'm stressed about life. My back hurts - I've started P/T last week and nothing is better. I've had a headache for two days straight.
I'm trying so hard to be happy. And every now and then there is this inner rage that makes me want to literally start screaming about how I really feel.
Luckily my common sense lets me know that hateful words leave nasty scars. Like every negative thing ever expressed to me by Sam. Those scars are visible and I'm trying so hard not to look at them and move on. But then I catch a glance at them and I'm reminded that I've failed to a better person and the wife he wanted. I get very sad.... and stressed about the future. Mostly disappointed with myself. I feel like sitting down and crying for the rest of my life.
I'm afraid to ask him if we are okay. I'm afraid of the answer he'll give me. If I say that I miss him - he'll probably say he feels the same. I suppose if he does - that is actually a good sign, but I can't help to think its his way of saying. Its not me - its you. Again, I've failed.
12:17 p.m. - 2008-04-15
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