We talked this morning about how we were both feeling. He expressed that he was sad, lonely and feeling completely hopeless about our marriage. Yet - he's not headed down the path of yet another divorce.
This is good news.
I've been so stressed thinking he was trying to figure out how to end all this. Thinking he wonders what he got himself into.
He hates that I don't open up to him and tell him what I'm feeling. I ask when I'm supposed to do that because he has been shutting himself off to me for some time. I'm starting to feel deserted and alone. I've been saying that physically I feel he doesn't want to have anything to do with me......
He says he still finds me extremely attractive, its just emotionally he doesn't feel like we are connecting. We have had sex in the past week and it was wonderful, so he can't possibly feel that way every single day as he implies.
He said he wakes up each morning wondering what he has to look forward to. A big part of that is because he has to guess on what kind of mood I'll be in.
He brought up something that was actually a good point. We used to wake up happy. And look forward to our day. His "sleeping in" wasn't a problem before... but now it is. I realize somewhere along the line BEFORE I was even pregnant that it began to bother me. It bothers me mostly now though because I'm the one having to get ready while attending to the baby. It feels like twice the efforts and its exhausting.
That and ALL the damage my former boss has done to me mentally has taken its toll.
So many thing screaming inside me that I wanted to say. I feel like he's constantly accusing me for everything that is wrong in our marriage. Why doesn't he take any responsibility here?? He has rarely opened up to me. He shuts himself down and says he has himself to blame, YET its MY fault that he can't talk to me.
He stated that he doesn't open up because he's afraid to get hurt. I let him know - well I'm afraid too, but I still open myself up. And now I feel like kicking myself in the ass because YES in fact you do get hurt. I'm hurting and its all because I opened myself up and let myself believe over and over.
He's not innocent in all of this...he has made a dozen promises to me about his drinking mostly and a few other things. But within days of making those promises - he breaks them. AND HE KNOWS HE'S doing it! How am I supposed to feel about that? Happy? Just last night he said he wasn't going to have any more to drink - then he did. Why bother. I know one thing is for sure... I've learned not to ask him to promise when it comes to his drinking or anything else important. I can't take any more disappointment.
I did ask him to promise me this morning that he will try to work with me to make this all better. Why do I set myself up for more pain? What's wrong with me?
Maybe I'm being naive in all of this. The worst part about our talk was that he says he's all out of ideas. So am I. So now what?? I think I'll be contacting SEAP to work in YET another counseling to figure out what's wrong with me. Its so hard to as for help. I'm so used to solving problems on my own. I'm also feeling extremely hopeless right now.
I asked him if I'm supposed to take a que that when he asks "how u feeling" that he is also asking me how am I feeling both physically and mentally. His answer was: "No - I don't want to handle our lives with a PLAYBOOK. That when you say something - I'm supposed to react this way. Or when you do something - it means this..."
Me neither, but hell nothing else has worked so far so that's why I'm doing things that way. I'm just doing what it appears I should be doing and hoping the rest will fall into place eventually. Sometimes that works. Apparently not with us. Its very...robotic and insincere......
He also said I treat everything like a checklist. When he says something about how he feels (which I'm having a hard time remembering a single moment when he has done that willingly and without me prying it out of him)that I keep a mental checklist that says.. Okay he says he's lonely. Check my list: dont'let him out of your sight. Check. Again, he is almost right on this one... although I justify doing that because its all that I can do at this point.
He says he doesnt' want me to keep a check list - he wants someone who just understands. And I do - I just don't know how to express it. I understand Sam because I want the same things, I'm feeling the same pain, and I am just as lonely as you are.
Whenever I feel I'm reading him correctly, I try to respond on "how would I like him to react if that were me" and most of the time its with a hug or by just being there. I've been doing that for two solid weeks - I mean REALLY making an effort and he has blatently pushed me away. I even asked him about getting physical the other night and he wanted to sleep instead. He was sick, but he hasn't brought it up since. I dont' know if i need to ask again or what...
And then we get back to - WHY should I have to wonder, why should I have to ask. Do you know how degrading it is that I have to ask my husband for sex?? Oh the humiliation! That is a buzz kill in itself,but I'm still horny. That's the sad part.
So here it is Wednesday. I feel so defeated about our relationship like we will never be able to resolve the issues from the past. I did bring it up SEVERAL times that we need to forget the past and get back what we had in the beginning. He said he wants that, but never agreed to forget the past.
I think he enjoys beating himself up and reminding himself of all the so called terrible things I've done. Without taking any accontability for how HE was. Drinking himself till passed out. Not coming to bed. Being cold and not responding to my physical condition or needs.
I feel so remoreseful and deep inside I don't feel that he does at all. That's when the little voices inside me want to scream!! Is this really ALL my fault?? What about you Sam? What about you?
I also think he enjoys torturing me. That is just so wrong... and GOD I pray that I'm wrong about that, but deep inside I really believe its true. We need to let our past pain go. I get the same feelings inside except I dont' want to turture him. It really does make me very sad to see him so down and sad... I just want to know that he is remorseful too for what he did, or what he didn't do actually. If I was on a jury - unfortunately he would be deemed guilty because even if he spoke the words physically - I'm not feeling it.
I suggested he speak to the doctor about going on pills. He's told he has had problems in the past about being depressed. I even suggested he stop using the tobacco. I thought he said to me before that he thinks it makes him even more depressed.... but maybe he said he thinks it helps him WITH his depression...not really sure any more.
The good news is he says he still loves me and wants to be with me forever. But once again... he said that AFTER I said it to him.
8:51 a.m. - 2008-04-16
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