TRUST. Definitely one of those things you don't miss till its gone. Finding it within myself to trust Sam again is making me mental.
I want to believe him when he says he's sorry. I see that he's going to counseling to fix his problems. Our problems. But...still.... trust is not something I can turn back on like a light switch.
Part of me says I want to believe him, love him unconditionally and pretend none of this ever happened. The other part says even if I pretend I need to make him miserable because he's hurt me so badly and isn't even aware. Then I keep thinking if I trust him again and get hurt - what kind of fool would I be?
Trust used to be something I gave everyone. I would barely meet a person, but yeah, sure... I would trust them. But luckily I've learned over the years not to trust everyone. Especially co-workers. And especially now at this time in my life, I seem to catch on MUCH quicker. And I would even say I'm extremely guarded.
Although I always felt I could trust Sam from the beginning, it was trusting him with my heart, my love that was so difficult. I was hurt by Rod, even though I'm sure it would have ended regardless. I was hesitant to open up completely to Sam.
In order for him to gain my trust I know I need to work on forgiving him. And I know that if or when I do forgive him, it'll have to be completely. Otherwise I'll always be wondering about those lies, and doubt will creep in more and more as I continue to fixate on that lie.
I used to laugh at that Garth Brook's song You Bury the Hatchet - with the Handle sticking WAY out. That's me and I know it. Even if I tell myself that I trust him. Again. I'll always have the shadow of doubt hovering....
It depresses me and often leads me to tears out of nowhere. Anytime he is doing something without me, whenever we are apart even if its in the house, I start to think horrible thoughts.
This past week when I went to sleep at night, most nights he wasn't there. And on that one night he was - he fell asleep immediately from taking Tylonol PM to make him sleep. My mind still wondered and I ended up having nightmares each night. So bad I kept waking up to stop them. Then was afraid to go back to sleep in fear they would continue.
Maybe I'm a nutcase, but I tend to listen to my dreams. And when my dreams are of nothing but deceit, lies and distrust it doesn't take a genious to tell me these things are weighing heavily on my mind.
As soon as I can figure out a way to make an appt I need to speak to a counselor. I have so many things bothering me right now I just find myself angry or withdrawn. Sometimes both. That's no way to live a life.
It's Friday. I want to have a good weekend. I wonder how Sam's appt went today....
1:48 p.m. - 2008-09-19
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