Sam and I were having an "off" night last night. When we got home, we headed over to the neighbors for an egg hunt with little Sammy. We didn't have time to do one on Easter and decided it would be more fun if we had all the kids (my girls excluded) do a hunt together.
Thank GOD Jen/Sam and Chrissy/Jamie filled eggs for us. We were able to just come in the front door and head out the back to do the egg hunt.
Sammy worked at his baby pace looking at everything nice and long. Shaking each egg and then eventually placing it in his little yellow basket.
After a while I began noticing the other kids were saying they found all the eggs so I decided to help the other parents point out where they missed some. That was a mistake.
I left Sam holding Sammy's hand and didn't realize Sam wanted me to be there with him and Sammy. But it wasn't about that really - or so now I know....
As we came back home after the egg hunt, I prepared dinner while he watch the baby again. Then afterwards I responded to some e-mails while Sammy played - that's when I noticed Sam's tone change into a "jab". At one point when Sammy ran over to the stairs and began climbing them he said... "yeah Sammy's off to the races" followed by a heavy *sigh*.... that's what told me he was annoyed. So I asked what was wrong, he insisted nothing.
I can go on, but you get the idea... the evening went on. We went over to our friends to work out, we both still had an attitued of FuckOff.
We came home and finally sat down to talk. I was exhausted, but knew that going to bed would only make the situation worse. So we talked....and talked ..... and talked! He was feeling lonely and neglected and so was I. He stabbed me with all sorts of comments making me feel like an unfit wife and mother. I felt guilty, tired, pissed off, sad and mostly confused.
Somwhere around midnight he says we're "okay" now. All was resolved. By then I had completely woken up! But I was like WTF?? Resolved? Are you serious?? Why was i still confused then?
We went to bed and he fell asleep. I laid awake trying to figure out what and where did I go wrong...again...Good Heavens!!
I woke up depressed. He was fine. We showered together and made it to work on time. I still felt depressed.
By the time we reached our office I realized I was having a lot of trouble breathing. I assumed it was a random asthma attack even though my asthma is seasonal...in OCTOBER, not April.... He asked me if it was an anxiety attack. Hmmph? Didn't consider that one...but Yeah...guess it probably was!
I attempted to work, but was still having trouble breathing. Within an hour a fever blister found its way to my bottom lip. GREAT! Yeah - I'm stressed. So I send him an e-mail finally asking "what exactly did we resolve last night"??
We e-mailed several times, but then talked about it WAY more at lunch. I'm still depressed during lunch and can't eat let alone force a smile....
Then I pretend I'm fine and tell him one of my friends, Dwight, stopped by and I was having lunch with him this Thursday.
Sam looks at me and asks...'yeah? And did you smile for him?'
LOL - I finally had to laugh (inside mostly). Why YES as a matter of fact I did smile for him. He wasn't out to get me or make me feel so bad about myself...
But I knew at that moment it was a question/statement that I just HAD to remember. Cause even through all my inner-depression and breathing issues of anxiety or WHATEVER.... I smiled for Dwight!
Which basically told me I bring this shit on myself!!!! I make myself miserable to punish myself because I think I need a push backwards sometimes....not sure why. Part of me says it keeps me real.
So Did I Smile for HIM? Yes...yes I did.
But I chose to crack a little bit of a smile after Sam asked me this. I replied "Well that's a legitimate question and No... no I didn't have it in me". hehe LIAR!!! uhoh!
Telling him I did smile would have only made him feel worse and I was already in my worst mood I absolutely didn't need both of us there!!!
1:26 p.m. - 2009-04-14
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