It seems lately we are more liley to criticize than pay each other a compliment.
Every response to every question is followed by... Is that okay? We might as well be saying "Did I fuck up?". Like even this morning when he asked me a question, I answered back with yes. Then he quickly shot back..."should I have not asked that?" Ugh...why?
We are both lacking confidence at this point because we WANT to appear soooo concerned about what the other one thinks, yet there's an obvious tone of I really don't give a shit. Its confusing as hell. None of it is sincere. I can tell you that for sure. He would argue till he's blue in the face that it is, but its not. Cause 99% of the time I dont' feel it. I am going through motions and asking questions I know I should be asking if I cared, but all too often..I really don't. THERE i said it!
Although, I do have moments where i do care. But if I'm on board and tuned in even really caring, he's not!! By the time he's on board and cares, I'm not. Wonder when we'll meet in the middle.
I actually mentioned this on-line journal speaking to a girlfriend the other day and I could tell his mood changed. I referenced a diary of someone I like to read.... that would be the part he's never heard me mention before. I guess it just never came up that I have buddy lists whre I enjoy reading other peoples entries. Mostly because they are funny and I could use a good laugh. Some because the honesty of what they are feeling is refreshing.
It's not like he didn't know I kept an on-line journal. He just doesn't know much about what I put in it. He can't get to it or read it because he doesn't even know what site I use.
I keep a hand-written journal too - he can always read that if he feels compelled to do so. He'll get just as much of an eye full if he does.... it should be renamed my JOURNAL OF FRUSTRATIONS. Seems every entry is me venting. Ugh. Not much different than here I suppose!
ANYWAY... I didn't want to get off my thought process here. The past few days I've been making extra efforts to be more affectionate and not question his responses (the "question" to questions) I've just accepted them. And amazingly enough it kept a lot of arguments at bay or even stopped. Just not completely. I want them all to END NOW!!!
I will take responsibility for my actions. And here I go: I found with Sam I get extremely jealous. Maybe I still have trust issues...not sure. Yeah I do. I am constantly questioning what he's up to and what he's doing. When I see him sitting on a chair in the same room - not having conversation with me, but staring and laughing and texting on his black berry - hell YEAH I'm jealous. When he's up late at night on the computer, I think he's chatting or e-mail other girls. I would like to be the person on the other end of that blackberry or computer that he's finding so amusing.
Ugh. I just don't know how to get a grip on my jealousy. I think I need counseling. I really do.
The other part of this is when we go to Jen and Sam's he's all smiles and lovey dovey with Jen. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I do feel he compares me to her all the time. She's affectionate. This is Jen - we ALL know and love that about her. Even me! But - dont' compare me to that... I'm not that person. Its just not me. Me being lovey dovey, is stopping to smack an ass cheek or grab a quick kiss. Making eye contact or flashing a flirty smile. With Sam I like to ride with my hand on his shoulders gently massaging them and having casual conversation while he's driving.
All of that I've been doing for the past few days..... too bad I don't seem to be getting any kind of response. He doesn't seem to notice it or appreciate my attempts at being affectionate. Yet he points out that I'm not loving enough....??? OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES!!! Its you!!
Okay -right now it is him. Next week, I'll be fed up and if he's making gestures, I'll be so pissed I won't notice. Till he stops and says he's been NOTHING but nice and sweet. Wait.... he just hasn't even made attempts though. UGH!!
This morning's conversation was all about how he goes in the hot tub alone and won't even invite me...liek "hey babe, I'm gonna go sit in the hot tub, wanna join me??" Its so hurful. When I called him on it Sunday night. He said "well 3 months ago when we got it, you were going to go in without me while I was at bowling!" I shot back something juvenile and walked away. He just brings out the worst in me!! So this morning we talked more about that. Turns out he was feeling bad that he blew off bowling for me. He skipped bowling for the past 2 weeks and stayed home that night. And now he's mad at me. They were his choices!! WTF??? Seriously!!! OMG! I just can't even begin to type this whole saga... so bottom line was I'm glad he told me it bothered him. I'm pissed this is whey he choses to go into the hot tub over and over without me or inviting me, I'm pissed that he blames me for his decision to skip bowling. I'm pissed that he holds stuff against me for weeks and never tells me, yet points the finger at me saying I hold back my true feelings. WHAT??? UGH - that's my word of the day..UGH!!! So I got honesty this morning - and really, I'm happy about that. I just didn't take it very well and am a little pissed at myself for responding poorly to it all. I feel out of control.
Today...he sent me a quick note on gmail to say I love you. With hearts. That's nice, but just not enough right now.
I'm a mess. I don't want to be a mess. I want to just cry and be done with feeling so guilty, mad, beaten, unloved and depressed.
And on a different note... I saw a new Orthopedic surgeion last week aobut my back. He says I do not need surgery. He gave me a Flexor pain patch and sent me on my merry way!! Really?? He also told me my back was very healthy and I've done exactly everything he would have told me to try before coming to see him. Good news for me. But I was still discouraged that i walked out of his office knowing my pain would continue... for now.
He was cute though. And I think he was flirting with me, a little. Asking questions like... "so you obviously work out you're in great shape -what do you do? he and he also said "Really? You're only 5'4"? You look so much taller...." hehe. Direct eye contact like he really cared. He gave me the look-over and looked at my face and smiled sheepishly like oops he got caught...
He was 6'2" and cute. It really made my day.... and even if he treats all his patients like that, I don't care. It made MY day. I needed that!
See - I can end on a happy note!
*muah*
10:47 a.m. - 2009-06-02
Recent entries:
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