1st - deck was not done by July 6th. I really don't want to harp on it. It was done by the morning of our party. I was, for the most part, happy about that.
Although by done I mean built to hold people - it still sits with no railing or purgula or bar, but alas the hot tub is in place.
The weekend was nice - had about 55 guests. Play time was Sunday - it was okay but girls were home and I couldn't relax. And felt i wasn't being considered or respected in my thoughts to keep things G-Rated. It left me feeling like shit!!
Tonight Sam and I have a date to go out. We aren't even sure where we will go just yet. Just out - alone - him and I.
Last night I wanted to talk. He went to sleep. We got 10-15 minutes in on our way to work.
Bottom line to what we discussed is he feels I'm not doing anything allure hime. I feel the same way. We are both stubborn and hate feeling like we have to make the first move. Why me? Why not him - vs. versa. Its a tough spot to be in. So I'm attempting to start it.
I forced flirting - it didn't feel good.
I've e-mailed him twice today to say I love you. No response because he's in meetings. I bought him a card to say I love you. I'm feeling very doubtful he will do anything in return romantic. Just wait and see how long it lasts.
What I'm feeling is like shit! I keep drawing my mind back to this: Some day we are going to die. I realize I want to live for a long time, but really? Why? Given my medical issues it is likely I have about 20 years left. So why do I care so much about feelings and stuff like this.
I wish I didn't.
I want romance again
I hate that he will treat others better than me.
I am tired of doing all the laundry, cooking and majority of cleaning.
I miss the days he used to make me coffee and bring it to me upstairs.
I haven't had flowers from him in 6 months.
It drives me crazy when he goes all day without a single heart or e-mail of affection - yet he comments all day to so many different people on FB.
I hate that he doesn't try to even be close to me -yet he goes out of his way for Jen.
I don't like feeling rushed in the morning because he sleeps so late. Because he went to bed so late. Because he stayed up drinking so late. Without me.
I hate being the responsible one.
I can't stand when he accuses me of NOT doing enough.
I hate that he doesn't even brush his teeth to kiss me.
I wished he made the coffee when he stays up so late.
I wished he would clean the bathroom and toilets just once.
I wished he wanted me to be involved in his victory(s).
I wished he supported me - mentally.
I want peace and love.
I want to lose 10 pounds.
I want long hair.
I want to be numb.........and not care.
Okay - I'm done now.
3:51 p.m. - 2009-07-16
Recent entries:
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