It amazes me that my mood can change in the course of a minute from Happy to Mad. But it doesn't surprise me the source of that change seems to consistantly be Sam!!
At lunch today, I was somewhat happy. Tired from little sleep, but relatively happy.... I walked down at 11:30 to meet Sam. We really didn't say more than hello till we got upstairs to the snack bar cafeteria area.
He told me he asked his mother to come at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow morning to watch the baby for the weekend. Great! Then when I asked him a question about if that was a little early...he got a little defensive, but still kind of laughed it off. All was good. Then I asked him another question to make sure he realized he may have double-booked himself - he got pissy!!
WTF?? I asked him nicely...I just wanted to know the details of what he's been arranging all morning. Then he had the audacity to turn it around and say I was asking him in a tone of "you fucking moron - dont' you know how to do anything right?" Really?? That's what I said?? Cause to me it was more like "Okay.... this is good that you scheduled this, but honey do you realize you booked yourself twice here??" Just in case he seriosuly didn't realize it...!!! He has been known to commit to other things without realizing he had other plans. The concern was tonight there is a party beginning at 6pm at the neighbors. Yet he AND that neighbor are planning on dropping the dogs off at a kennel 30 minutes away and they don't open till 6pm. See the concern here??
I think I'm helping and then suddenly I'm a bitch condemning his every effort.
I sent him an e-mail to apologize, but nothing came back. I text him a heart let him know I love him. And he replies I love you. By then...I'm thinking - really? Cause the fire shooting out of your eyes at lunch sure as hell didn't express LOVE!!! NOW I want to call you a fucking idiot!! So I responded with: More than you hate me?
He replied: I nevernevernevernever hated you. If I didn't love you so damn much you wouldn't frustrate me so much muah.
Okay - first just let me say a REAL kiss would have been better. And although he took the time and effort to say this I'm still not all that happy. All is NOT forgiven here.
Sooo...I replied with I don't know what to say. The look you gave me at lunch said more than 'I'm frustrated'.
He says we have a hard time reading each other. When I read that I literally rolled my eyes...again...really?
Now I'm just completely depressed.
I respond: WE have a hard time with every thing. It makes me sad. (Cause let's face it...I'm down to one or two words here... I just don't know what to say!!!)
He says its worth it though and gives me a smiley face.
How can he say that? Is it really worth it?? He doesn't see this? He doesn't see how we turn perfectly good moments into arguments!! I'm talking 9 out 10 times...a day!!?? He's impossible to be around. I have no idea what to say or do around him without feeling like a failure of some kind! Like I've done something wrong. Its EXHAUSTING.
I'm venting. I probably won't feel this way tomorrow. I'm tired of apologizing.... I'm tired of making all the attempts at romance and hoping for something in return.
I want to go home and sleep. I'm just tired. And cranky!
I need to change the subject and calm down!
Tomorrow is the States for the Softball Team (we support). So we are staying overnight in State College to party with the team and hang out after the games. We need to get up early and be up there by 10 a.m. This was part of the first 2 minutes of our lunchtime conversation.
He told his mom he would make himself get out of bed early and set up her computer when she comes over to watch Sammy. I'm thinking "yeah right" but he says he's going to. I laughed and said...oh so any other weekend you don't commit to this because your 'loveley' wife (me) will get out of bed and take care of baby herself?? He laughed and made a comment about 'don't make me stop talking and telling you things' yet it wasn't really a joke - he was serious. I could tell.... but I laughed and said "i know...go ahead"
That's what probably made him so bitchy!! I swear he's like a girl when it comes to this stuff... he's the moody one. NOT me!! Okay so now I can stop blaming myself and let him know he's moody. How do I do that??? Also, loke a girl...he won't listen. He's too stubborn.
Didn't I say I was done venting??
Grrrrr!!!
2:09 p.m. - 2009-07-24
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