Well today is officially Day 7 of being on the new med� I must say I was completely unsure and somewhat skeptical it would make any difference. I think above all I had reached that point that I was sort of hoping for something that would just space me out to the point that I could care less what goes on in the world around me. Having so many episodes where my emotions go from 0-60, I was just exhausted.
But I did what I set out to do. I made my appt. I talked to the Dr. about being irritable (among other things). I even told her I was hesitant to refer to myself as depressed. Although I could see how someone may hear my concerns and sum it up to that. She's the one who threw out the word 'irritable'. I was like YESS!! That's more like it.
She put me on Effexor. This is an anti-depressant. I can say the skeptical part of me wondered many times if people who took these drugs weren�t just getting sugar pills and just being told they were anti-depressants. But I see now, there really is something to these little miracles.
Yes - one week has made a difference. And,no, I still haven�t told Sam. For two reasons: 1) I do still look at taking the drug as though I�ve failed to get control of the situation on my own and 2) By taking these meds, it is now obvious that 80% of the episodes of exploding emotions and arguments at home really were MY fault. Ugh. I hate admitting defeat�
Don�t get me wrong � he�s still responsible for 20%. LMAO. I�ve noticed in the course of a week 6 different moments when things �normally� would have blown out of control all at the hands of my emotions. But they just passed right on by.
Sam�s not perfect, but he does mean well. He�s so used to the way I was acting I can see that his responses, even still, are driven by defense. Although NOW he is seeing that I�m not responding defensively and appears to be changing his tune. Hopefully its not that much of a drastic change that he doesn�t question if I�m on anything. I�d prefer not to tell him for a little while longer anyway�
The meds are amazing. I no longer start raging inside over silly stuff� Like his over-drinking, Like his staying up half the night and passing out on the couch, Like his lack of help with the laundry, Like his need to text and be on FB when I�m talking to him, Like not thinking enough to ask if I would like a drink or breakfast when he�s fixing himself one. The list really does go on, but I'm sure you get it. I just don't care..
I�m so impressed how I didn�t fly off the handle a single time this past week. The closest would be the situation this weekend with watching a movie rental.
Saturday night we were going to watch a movie. I told him we could start it, but I may fall asleep. It was almost 10p.m. He stated he didn�t want to watch a movie unless I could watch it with him. I suggested he start the movie and if I fall asleep, I�ll just watch the part I missed the next morning (since I get up 2-3 hours earlier than him). After he declined that offer, we just watched TV. I understood.
The next day he says he�s taking the rentals back. I�m ok with that, but a little bummed we didn�t get to see them. No big deal� really, its like NOTHING bothers me�. He says �I did get to watch one of them anyway�. I was like �you did??�. Here after I went to bed Saturday night � he watched the movie anyway. I wasn�t mad that he watched the movie� I was annoyed that he did it AFTER he said if we can�t watch it together he didn�t want to watch it at all. What the hell?? But� here�s the incredible part. I simply said. �Really? And how was that any different than us �starting� the movie together and me watching the rest of the next morning??� I was up at 5a.m. for crying out loud� I could have watched the whole movie the next morning, but I didn�t because I like to be able to talk about movies or refer back to them when we�ve both seen them. He just said something about �well you went to bed..and I figured I may as well�. I just didn�t even care enough to argue, so I said. �I don�t care that you watched the movie, but do you see that you basically said I couldn�t? And NOW you�re taking it back.� He walked away. This is what and how he handles almost all our arguments.
But he must have realized he screwed up, because he did come back and say �you�re right, I�m sorry and I should have just let you start it when we had the time in the first place�. THANK YOU!! And Thank you Effexor for making me look like the level-headed non-emotional wife he has me pinned for. Hehehe � really� I seriously wonder how much longer I can keep this up. The best part is that I get to be alert, awake and watch it all happen...like someone else is playing the role of Linda today. Cool!
So many time I�ve said I wished there really was a pill called Fuckitol that could make me just say fuck it anytime something big or potentially emotional was about to happen. This is the one I should have been on all along.
Although I will add that I consider this a temporary prescription� I think it will help things improve at home and possibly even work� (that�s bigger fish to fry). But we�ll see. And of course I�ll keep you posted.
No worries mon!
2:21 p.m. - 2011-03-07
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