Funny how when I think about 6 weeks ago when I first started Effexor how hopeful I was that life was going to be ok.
But two weeks ago, I screwed up! I accidently left my pill on the counter and Sam saw it. He asked immediately, of course, what it was. I told him and said the doctor prescribed it for the hot flashes. I'm sure he went to work that day and "googled" it immediately to see if that was true. But...she did prescribe it for that very reason. And irritability. I just didn't go into details about how its really been helping me get my emotions under control. I felt (and still feel) he didn't need to know that.
Cut to the chase!
Last night he was having one of his moments where nothing was right. He was acting irritated. I keep asking him why or what's wrong and he keeps turning it around and saying "I must be a real dick for you to think I'm constantly miserable". Well no... but I do know my husband and I can tell when something's wrong! Helllooooo???
So yesterday when he lef to do the programming work he's been doing for Kevin P., he made a comment that he never has time to go shopping for new runnning sneakers. So I went to Kohl's and did it for him. I bought 3 pair in his size and had him try them on when he got home. He did thank me initially, but still he wasn't shocked or showing appreciation for what I did. I felt more like I did something wrong.....
While he was trying out the sneakers, he was getting more and more irritated. First, because I asked him to turn on the light because I wanted to see. He made a comment that it was about feel, and didn't need to see them. But...I wanted to see him try them on, because (call me silly)I was excited that he was getting new running shoes. He got mad about that... *sigh* OK. Ignore it. Then he didn't seem impressed by any of them. Ok. But instead of giving me any feedback, he was getting more and more irritated...
All the while we were watching a pre-recorded show. He kind of snapped at me with "Could you PLEASE rewind that??" and I snapped! Uh-oh. I said 'YES SIR!!' That's when all hell broke loose. He yelled at me, I yelled at him. I told him for 4 1/2 weeks I've been holding in emotions not getting upset and being upbeat while he got to stomp around the house acting like his life totally sucked. (this wasn't all true, but he's had plenty of those moments) You feel me??
Anyway - I told him I've been doing EVERYTHING around the house and not complaining about it. Because I've come to realize that I'm on my own... Which I still feel. But just because I've said it doesn't meant that I really want to feel that way. I've just come to accept that I cannot change him. He's an alocholic and numbs himself with alcohol to deal with his problems. Every night. (almost every night).
So he stayed up till 2am. I finally came down for him and he said he wasn't coming to bed. Now that I gave in and spoke my feeling about feeling alone and not knowing how to deal with an alchoholic he feels he should live his life "alone". I asked him what that means exactly. He feels he should do anything he wants, whenever he wants and live all about himself. Really? Did he not feel that way before? Cause coming home each evening, eating dinner, taking his phone off to the other room and walking away any time I walk in, and drinking himself oblivious on top of all that ISN'T doing whatever HE wants??? Really??
Good god!
Please let it be known that I don't have a suicidal bone in my body, but wanting him to want me and miss me and feel something towards me has put lots of thoughts of hurting myself in my head. This is wrong and I hate it!!
So for now I must remain calm. I need to regroup my thoughts, let him absorb what I've told him. Not express myself.
That's where I went wrong altogether. I told him last night what I've been dealing with and how I feel. Now his thought process appears to be... Alone? I'll show her what alone feels like!!!
He's so spiteful and angry, it really does scare me right now.
8:33 a.m. - 2011-04-18
Recent entries:
BAMBOOZLED? - 2016-10-04
Beer, Boobs and Bacon - 2016-09-30
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Day Drinking. Alone. - 2016-09-23
More Wine Please. - 2016-09-21
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