Beer, Boobs and Bacon. That comma is important there because otherwise I'd be talking about beer boobs; which makes me think of the wine rack bras you wear to sneak booze into games. So....nope. This is about 3 Random topics on the top of my head today. Beer. Boobs. Bacon.
BEER: In our house we have a Batman Magnet that's likely mostly used for the back of a vehicle. However, for us, its the almighty BAT SIGNAL to let me know when the beer in the beer fridge is low. Yes, this was my creation. Yes, I think its brilliant. Since my husband, the functioning alcoholic, can drink more than a sailor on shore, I'm often left staring into an empty beer fridge when I'm craving a beer. And let's not mention all the late evening texts on his way home asking 'Did you happen to get beer today?'. (Oh wait, I just mentioned it...) Anyway, I found those texts a bit annoying when:
1) I had been to the store 3 times that day and could've bought beer had I known!! And
2) I JUST FUCKING BOUGHT A CASE TWO DAYS AGO!!
(See the part about him being an alcoholic) And that's how the Batman Signal was implemented. Simple enough for him to remember to take it off the beer fridge and throw it at the BIG BLACK kitchen fridge. Hey, it works. Just another note here: It is Miller Lite that my hubby polishes off like water. He says it basically is water. With a little bit of alcohol. I can still only handle 2, no more than 3. I will sometimes buy myself a 6 pack of a different beer like Blue Moon or Michelob Ultra. If his beer is empty he'll drink my beer. MY BEER!! No Sam. No!
BOOBS: Mine are fake. They are the boobs given to me in replacement of the real ones that decided to go all cancer on me. Fuckin cancer. These are nice. They are perky. They are round. They DON'T bounce! I wish they did. Hey....maybe I should get the wine rack bra so I can have bouncy boobs. Aka Tits! But then I'd want to drink the wine. This won't work. By the way, they are only tits if they can bounce. I have boobs. Not tits. Tits bounce. Got it? Just like the song Shakin by Eddie Money. 'Her tits were shakin' 'til the end of the night' Oh wait...those are the misheard lyrics. That I always hear. I digress.
Ok, so yesterday at the baseball game, (the one I didn't want to go to) while sitting on the bleachers, this chick starts talking to me. She was talking about family photos and how she never realized until she got back the proofs how much her boobs have started going South. Why do people talk to me? Of course I look at her boobs, which were just fine. I said, 'Be thankful for what you have. With these implanted stress balls on my chest, I'm pretty sure that'll never happen to me.'
Her: Wow! Your boobs are fake?
Me: They are.
Her: I always wondered why they were so perky.
Me: (in my head: always?)
Her: Can I feel them?
EVERY man in immediate vicinity snaps their head in our direction. Damn...perfect example that men CAN hear.
End of that conversation.
BACON: I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning. Hungry. That rarely happens. I made coffee. Although for some reason, in the past two days, coffee has been upsetting my tummy. And for those that know me, I live for my morning coffee! After two sips and pouring it down the drain, I decided to make something for breakfast. For me. This, of course, being in addition to the ten-fucking-minutes-before-he-needs-to-leave breakfast order my kid puts in. I opened the fridge to see a nice frosty cold bottle of Michelob Ultra staring back at me. I'm thinking a beer would go down pretty smooth right about now. But it's 5:30 a.m. Whose the alcoholic now? Right? Don't judge. I passed on that opportunity and decided on bacon. I made a pound of bacon. A pound! That's what I had for breakfast. Well....not the entire pound. Just 2 pieces, but the rest will go into a Cobb Salad for dinner.
I'm still thinking about that beer.
PS. Thanks to a note from DANGERSPOUSE, I'm adding that I did NOT let this chick feel my boobs. Not that I'm opposed, but I was kind of on display at this point. And without a stripper pole and sticky stage, I was thinking this was the wrong venue for this kind of action. And...well...maybe this might be inappropriate at my kids baseball game too. Ya think? And of course there is no video of this happening.
6:52 a.m. - 2016-09-30
Recent entries:
Hey Its My Birthday! - 2016-10-17
Stupid Move - Pain in the Ass - 2016-10-14
Planning a Wedding - 2016-10-10
Continuation of BOZO Saga - 2016-10-06
BAMBOOZLED? - 2016-10-04
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