I don't really have a whole lot of time to be writing. In fact, I'll probably have to come back later and edit this entry. I just didn't want to forget my whacked out dream from Sunday night. Today is Tuesday.
Not that it was the weirdest dream ever, it wasn't. Its just how it left me feeling in such an overall dread. And luckily, I was able to wake up and realize it was just a horrible dream LOL (yeah I'm laughing about it now). Yet somehow it keeps reminding me how sick to my stomach I felt. I really have a hard time forgetting things when I want to. (key words: 'want to') Otherwise, I can't remember shit when I need to.
So, the dream. It was just a bunch of nonsense, but for some reason I had to remarry my ex-husband. Something financially related. Which isn't even possible since we have severed ALL ties with our divorce 12 years ago. I can remember thinking, OH MY GAWWWWD..... I have to hold his hands and stage a smile for pictures and eckkkk(retching sounds). LOL. No lie, I can remember that in my dream the very thought made me sick to my stomach.
When I woke up yesterday I had a feeling of dread, like I said. And where Sam (my currenty hubby) was in all of this, I have no clue. But the funny part about all of this is I really didn't think I was THAT repulsed by my ex. And WHEN did I become so disgusted and repulsed with him that the thought of touching him made me sick to my stomach? Seriously, when he's not being a douche-nozzle about something ridiculous with the daughters, we can actually hang out and laugh at things from our past.
Although, by all means, I should be repulsed by him. As it was, during the last few months of our marriage I was forcing myself physically to be with him. That was until the marriage counselor told me I no longer had to have sex with him. Yeah, I was 38 and still had it in my head that you had to have sex to keep the marriage going. Turns out, you don't.
But, as the counselor pointed out back then, forcing myself to be physical just continued to mentally turn me against it.
Anyho...... I suspect ALL this non-sensible-wedding-dreaming stuff has more to do with all the prepping that needs to happen yet for my daughter's wedding in April.
I've been trying to envision how the family photographs will go, what to wear and all of that. And, in the back of my mind, if this will be a deja-vu of Homecoming Night when she was in high school. A night where so many pics were taken of our daughter all dressed up on homecoming court with both parents (ex and me). The next day, I go online to see the pics, but I seem to be ironically cut-out of all of them. I know I wasn't looking all that great that night because I literally had surgery the day before, but I forced myself (with tubes and all) to be there and they (the photographer and her boyfriends' mom) cut me out. I was hurt, but never said anything to my daughter. Luckily, she noticed and chewed everyone out! LOL - my girl! Yeah...the wedding will be just fine. I just need to line up the photographer now.
Ok. That's my entry. Gotta run. Doctor appt in 45 minutes with a 30 minute drive.
Later.
6:56 a.m. - 2016-11-22
Recent entries:
Just my usual doings. - 2017-02-28
Fighting the Urge! - 2017-01-30
Finding the right words - 2017-01-27
Keep Up the Good Work!! - 2017-01-25
Oh SNAP! Well that was weird. - 2017-01-22
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