Have you ever found something someone said, like phrase or a few words from a conversation to really resonate with you? This happens to me from time to time, but then I usually can’t recall what it was I wanted to remember. Ha! This is my life.
A few weeks ago I had a lunch with a friend I don't hangout with very often. She is known as Laura the Queen of Canceling. I really wasn’t looking forward to the lunch because 1) I was pretty sure she would cancel and 2) I think she’s bonafide lunatic! But I do enjoy going out to lunch, so I agreed to meet her. The lunch went ok, but as you can imagine, I was glad when it was over.
Even though I was resistant to be there, the conversation wasn't all that bad. Mostly random babbling from her. But oddly enough, she did actually say something during our conversation that stuck with me. Something I kept thinking about all the way home. She was talking about her father at the time when she made the statement: “I really don’t mind helping someone out as long as they continue to put forth an effort”.
As I was driving home, I couldn’t figure out why the words stuck with me. Then I realized! For the past month I’ve been trying to NOT help my neighbor out so much. I know that probably sounds weird, or even like WOW - you cold-hearted bitch! But, seriously... this has been a struggle. My friends (Cindy and Michele) know how much I do for my next door neighbor Mandy. Since I often find myself without an agenda, I end up helping her by doing her cleaning, shopping, gardening, decorating her house, etc. etc. And because she seems to always need someone to talk to, she cries on my shoulder every time she has an FML moment. Which is a lot.
I really do like her, and I consider her my first real friend down south here. She’s cute, 29, divorced for 5 years and has a 6 yr. old son. She has a great sense of humor and never cancels when we make plans to do things together. (THAT is something I truly admire about her) She can be a lot of fun to be around. On the downside, she is a total slob with her house, makes really bad choices and just a hot mess in general. She continuously dates loser guys and then wonders why she isn’t good enough when they dump her. I’m sure there are deeper issues here, but I haven’t really nailed them down yet.
Anyho……Sometime around the 2nd week of December I had finally decided that I really need to stop helping her out. It wasn’t because I was mad at her. I believe it was because I finally started making other friends, locally. I simply found other things to do. And in doing so, I also realized my connection with Mandy wasn’t as much of a friendship as it was becoming more of a mother/daughter type of relationship. As much as I felt sorry for her because she didn't have a mom there for her growing up, I also knew I could not be that person for her. I’ve already got two daughters! I did NOT need another.
So when I tried to explain to my friends that my goal this year was to become a better friend and no longer help Mandy out, they seem to get it. However, as the subject has come up a number of times, I just couldn’t find the exact words to explain how or why I came to that decision. Both Cindy and Michele kept saying ‘Well it’s like she expects you to be there and do all this stuff for her. Almost like she’s taking advantage of you.’ And just so we’re clear, none of that was said to put her down, they were just trying to justify my weird-ass goal! LOL.
I never felt like Mandy expected me to do ANY of the things I did for her. And I do favors for people all the time. When I do, it’s simply because I want to. Saying thank you is always enough. And Mandy always says thank you. I just couldn’t seem to put into words why I felt I needed to stop being there for her. Until that lunch with Loony Laura. Those words: “I really don’t mind helping someone out as long as they continue to put forth an effort” That's exactly what I was thinking - what was bothering me! Mandy was no longer putting forth an effort. I was enabling her.
So fast forward to now. I don't really know how things are going for her. I'm sure her house is a total wreck inside. She still hasn't taken down her Christmas decorations if that's any indication. And she has finally stopped texting me every day with her problems. Instead of words of wisdom I only respond with one-liners like "What a bummer" or "Hope you figure it out."
I really do hope she figures it all out.
There's nothing wrong with being helpful as long as its useful.
10:05 a.m. - 2017-01-27
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