Learning to breathe
I�ve been in a mood all week. Its only Wednesday and I�m not sure how I�ll get through the next couple of days. I'm in a "funk" I call it.... almost depressed, but not really. I don�t even really know what it is except to say that I�m suddenly feeling very lonely again. Deserted.
I'm sure it has everyting to do with facing reality. I�ve manage to really fall for someone and now I feel like an idiot. When its late at night and I�m lying awake or ready to drift off into dream land. I still say good night to him. I whisper to him silently in my mind. But I know he doesn�t hear me.....not that I�ve ever asked. I'd be too embarrassed.
If I knew I wouldn�t get a headache I would drink myself numb. But I have too many other things I need to face reality for. Like my family, my girls and my job. Some days I just feel like I�ve watched all my chances fade away. Or maybe its more that I�ve placed all my stock on one horse and it lost. So now I feel depleted of my emotions. What�s left when you have no more feelings? I guess I just crave that �in love� feeling again and right now I feel like it�ll never be felt again.
Mr. Moody is extremely busy with a project right now. He told me Monday he won�t be able to come to my party. I was bummed over that news. Really bummed. Was looking forward to meeting his wife and getting to see him� i do miss him. Dammit!
He doesn�t even come close to feeling this way about me. That�s why it�s really sad and makes me feel even more pathetic. I just feel like crap right now. Not his fault. I need to figure out what�s real any more. And I need to face reality. Whatever it was is over and will never be happening again. I suppose I need to learn how to breathe again.
4:09 p.m. - 2005-05-18
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