Tuesday, November 15th... wow.
Can't believe the SHOCKING weekend I had. Where do I start??
Okay, let's see here. Thursday, I'll start with Thursday. Thursday night Sam took me to see Poe Evermore - Readings of Poe's work by actors at the Mt Joy Haunted Mansion. At the Rennaisance Faire, sooooo cool. Never been before and it was really pretty neat. Afterwards we went to dinner and just shared a wonderful evening together... talking and holding hands.....feeling like a real couple...and then me wondering how can I have this kind of relationship with Rod. Ugh.
Oh yeah before we left, John called me and asked if I wanted the house. I said well...no. Because I was pretty sure my plans were to eventually move out with Rod in Elizabethtown and even if it wasn't that, I wouldn't be able to afford it on my own.
But on the way to Mt Joy Sam pointed out that I'm paying more than the mortgage right now between rent and my half of the mortgage. Good point Sam. He's not only cute, but smart, lol.
So after Sam and I got back that evening from Mt.Joy I had a message from Rod on my answering machine. He said was coming into work on Veteran's Day (when offices were closed) and wanted to "talk" to me afterwards. Oh GOD!! What could that be about?? "Talk"???? I was more than a little worried. Mostly about the possibility that he found out that I have been basically spending all my free time falling in love with Sam and not really doing anything to end that. I was never honest with Rod about what I was feeling and thinking, so I figured he had no idea about Sam, but still I was really worried that he had somehow found out.
So Sam left Thursday after he dropped me off at my place. He knew I would be talking to Rod the next day. The next day Sam called me first thing in the morning and said "good luck" - such a sweetie. Always worried about me.
Rod came over at 10:00 am. Right away I gave him a hug and asked him what was wrong, cause I could tell he was edgy. He said do you have any vodka? I said no, but I have beer. SHIT!! I knew there was really something bad about to happen here!!!! I hate confrontation - I hate it I hate it. Okay, so I swallowed my guilt and said.."WHAT is going on?" He said "nothing" I said..."no if there was nothing going on you wouldn't need to 'TALK' !" So he guzzled a beer and said....OK -What does love mean to you?" OH SHIT. He must have read one of my e-mails to Sam, where we've discussed "love" and how we feel about each other. SHIT SHIT. I'm like "umm, okay it means when you think about someone non-stop, its a feeling really deep inside that you can't imagine life without that person and you care about them almost more than anything else in the world"
He looked at me and says "right". Well no duh, I knew what love was I was experiencing real love with Sam,lol. Okay - So I say "why?" "why are you asking me this" GOD how I hate head games!! He's always playing head games with me. He looked away then looked at me and wouldn't say anything. Then it dawned on me! He's trying to tell me he doesn't love me!
HOLY SHIT!!! OH MY GOD - I was almost laughing inside. Here all along I thought I was about to get busted on my "extra curricular activities" with Sam and Rod's acting all torn up because he's trying to tell me he doesn't love me! Oh, you have no idea what I was feeling at that point. Actually, I was feeling a little guilty that I should tell him I too believe ending it was the best thing for us. So... I looked him straight in the eye and said "You don't love me? Is that what you are saying??" He looked back with a very cold non-expressive stare "no, no Linda I don't" Oh my God -hehehe I was literally dancing in my head.
How lucky was I?? I mean...for weeks I've been so stressed tying to figure out how can I end things with Rod without hurting either ne of us? Afterall he had become so miserable and unbearable. He was treating me so badly all the time.. saying such negative things and then there was the fact it was obvious he never thought about about me or my kids. I thought so much of him I was always willing to put him first..and he wasn't even coming close to returning that. Yep, he turned into a total grump that I want nothing to do with...and now I was forcing myself to give him a chance....and just oh wow. Now it was no longer a problem. Who'd thunkit.. Even funnier is he was probably going through the same thoughts in his mind 'how can I end this'. Tooo tooo funny. But seriously, I felt a little guilty that I didnt' tell him any of what I was really thinking.
So not to drag this out much more I put on a few tears, because deep inside I was feeling a little rejected. I knew I had to get a few answers to make sure I understood what was happening. So I asked him if there was someone else. He said no. But then I asked him if he was in love with his wife (who left him btw a few weeks ago) and he said "yes". WOW - SHOCKER! That I never saw coming. But then I immediately realized he just lied to me... there was someone else. His wife - right? Nothing really wrong with that though. Funny is all because he down-right hated her. Called her all sorts of nasty names and used to be so irritated with her and how unthoughtful she was and contantly referred to her as evil. Especially when she threatened him with ruining his family and taking his house. They have no children together but Rod is like a father to her son by her first husband (someone she left for Rod).
Rod proceded to tell me that he's just been convincing himself all along that he was in love with me. Oh yeah right. Now that was a TOTAL lie. He said things to me and sent me e-mails that were not the work of someone being convinced. He was in love with me..and maybe deep inside he still is, but it just doesn't matter to me now. I did love him, but this person he became was NOT appealing. I knew any feelings I had for him wer gone too, I mean as soon as he told me this I felt so much relief I had no idea our relatioship was stressing me out so much.
I think it had a lot to do with the financial part. He is a financial disaster. And that's an under-statement. He has debt up to his ears, he makes bad financial decisions and a house he'll never own with a few mortgages pending. Yep, being with him meant I would never have financial freedom again. So...yeah I was relieved on so many levels.
Oh all of this was just too funny. I couldnt wait for him to leave so I could call my girlfriends and Sam to tell them this GREAT news. I put on a few fake tears to make him feel bad and stuff, cause I do think he deserve to be as uncomfortable afer all the hell he put me through these past few months!
When he got up to leave he stood there like I was going to give him a hug or something. I'm not sure what he was envisioning, but it wasn't happening. I just looked at him and said "see ya" it was really pretty cool. Then when he went to leave he said "oh I have something for you" I said "what the pillow I left at your place when I spent the night Monday?" He looked shock once again, lol. I think he expected me to get excited like he really brought something for me. Oh please...he never did anything for me except barely a card on my birthday. Good grief!! After I said "my pillow?" I said "you should have just kept it." It was just a pillow - it wasn't like my FAVORITE pillow I call my binky, hehe. So he went out and brought it in. Looked at me and tilted his head as if to say I'm sorry. I said "throw it on the couch and pull the door shut when you leave" LOL - I was so nonchalant. I just loved it.
As soon as he was gone I started jumping up and down and dancing. I searched all over for my girlfriend's number and coudln't find it, but I called my other girlfriend instead.
Of course about 10 minutes later after looking at the pillow I found myself a little annoyed. I was totally urked that I did spend the night with him Monday night...and yeah we had sex... why did he even feel he had to do this if he knew all along he was going to be ending it by Friday? But you can't go back and do things over, so I had to get over it. Cause really - none of that is important any more... And now I can enjoy Sam for all that he is.
He is 10 years younger, something I worry about... but he is totally in love with me and I feel almost the same for him. He's just so perfect it makes me a little worried. How can he be so perfect? Is this real?? He buys me things, treats me like a princess and in fact is taking me away this weekend to spoil me. He's sexy, smart, financially stable and secure. Owns his own house, two cars and a time-share in Florida..and divorced! What's not to love?
Yeah I do believe he will make my life a complete fairy tale!
3:28 p.m. - 2005-11-15
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