Okay - a little delayed, but I'm back. So much has been going on, this will be a very LONG entry. And today I turn 40!!!! - its just a number!
1st. I did come back to work on October 10th. Didn't do any journaling at home (for privacy reasons) - so I waited for my lunch hour at work here.
First - the "meeting" I referred to two entries ago turned out even funnier. Both Matt and I had to meet with the top cheese. Unfortunately that left a bad taste in both of our mouths we both decided it wasn't worth the aggravation. Who'd want to be near that on a daily basis right? Once I cam to terms that it was a dead deal I was finally able to relax and forget about Jerry altogether. And I realized that I wouldn�t return there unless it was my last opportunity to work for the state. That place is COMPLETELY screwed up! Lots of other nice people, but i could never be there and focus on work professionally with all their drama. I pity poor Cherie.
Okay - so AUGUST 28th our little man finally came. 7:48 AM. During the Lunar Eclipse. He's absolutely adorable. 7lbs 12 oz full of joy. It was a very quick and easy delivery with no contractions or major pain. I ended up with that UNWANTED c-section, but couldn't believe how easy it was to get the shot, lie down and deliver. The incision is also very small and barely noticeable. Still amazes me at how easy it all was. And to think i was soooooo scared!
Now from this point in the entry things will go down hill.
Here's some reality and mostly update to the 6 weeks I was off on maternity leave. I was depressed most of the time, but not because of post-partum, because my life sucked. During pregnancy (and year from what I know now) I had slowly turned into a raging bitch. I was acting and doing ALL the things my horrible boss does to me to Sam. Yes, this is embarrassing for me to admit. Sam just kept putting up with it never telling me to "snap out of it". By the time I was ready to return to work I finally had a breakdown.
I know this in bits and pieces, but I do feel its important to write it all out so I can learn from it and remember everything I've been feeling or dealing with.
Let me back up slightly.
I had the baby, a healthy baby boy. Life should have had me on cloud 9. Instead my maternity leave was pure hell.
By Monday, Oct 8th, Sam wasn't even coming to bed at night. This could have been acceptable, after all he was suppose to stay up that night to do work for John. But all night???? When I went down that morning and "begged" him to wake up so I could get the girls off to school, he barely moved like he was passed out. I was in tears. Not that he noticed.
He stopped noticing months ago how sad I was. He didn't notice the other nights I lay right next to him crying myself to sleep either and believe me there were plenty. I know we were having problems talking. He had just told me the week before that we needed to share what we were thinking (this was after I confronted him). Sadly enough, I asked him two nights later when he appeared to be annoyed at something "what's on your mind" ? He says "absolutely nothing" WTF???
You could tell something was bothering him and HE was the one not talking.
So by the last week I was off work (Sammy was 5 weeks old) I could obviously tell our relationship was not leading in the right direction. I felt so sad and lonely.
When I woke up that Tuesday morning and went downstairs to see if he was still working (at 6am) I found him passed out on the couch. I begged him to wake up. He wouldn't. I looked around and could tell he finished off yet another bottle of scotch, possibly other liquor and many beers by the looks of it. How could he be working with all that drinking?
He finally woke up after I got the girls off to school by myself. Instead of saying good morning (he stopped saying that long time ago too)he just stumbled upstairs to go back to bed. Leaving me alone to tend to his mess and take care of the baby. Again... without talking.
I wanted to ask him so bad what he did all night, but figured I should let him sleep. I didn't want to nag or bitch., so I jumped on the computer for something to do and see what his interests were these days.
After I began looking at his jump drives I found a few pics. Recent pictures of him holding up signs to fubar.com - and of course his usual porn, but I was becoming extremely suspicious. Mostly because of a pic he took of himself. Why did he need a picture like this? That when I decided we REALLY needed to talk. Before I went upstairs thought o wake him I looked up fubar and found out it was site you go on to meet people. It had me very upset because it looked every bit like he was looking online for companionship. I figured it was probably too late, he was involved with someone.
I finally went upstairs and woke him up to talk. He was half-asleep, but we did talk. Finally. It helped to finally get some answers, but it was very painful to have this conversation. It was even more depressing to hear him say how horrible I had become this past year and that it had nothing to do with being pregnant or hormones out of control.
To really sum that conversation up, I had become a bitch and was treating him badly. I wouldn't talk or ask for help and was constantly treating him like an idiot. He woke up every day not knowing what kind of mood I would be in. This was everything I had used in the past to describe my boss. How awful.
Unfortunately everything he was saying was actually true. And I knew it. It was still very hard to hear and yet I was getting really pissed inside because I felt it was just as much his fault for not speaking up. It sound like he was putting ALL the blame on me. I remember thinking...but..but.. How could this be happening? I thought we had worked all the "rules" of how to deal with each other before we got married and yet here we were with so much hatred going on between us. I just wanted to die.
I really do love him and can't imagine life without him by my side, but I was still getting pissed hearing how horrible I had become and that it was my fault. We talked as much as we could, but had to leave for Sammy's dr. appt. An ultrasound of his hip at 6 weeks old. Normally we would have been at work but he took the whole day off because we weren't sure how long it would take.
I was so depressed. I don't think I said a single word the whole way to Hershey Med. I barely remember the trip to the hospital or watching the dr. move Sammy's legs/hips around to see if they were okay. (They were okay btw).
I think it was on the way home Sam said he could tell there was still something wrong. Well HELL YEAH!! We barely had a chance to talk about EVERYTHING. He's the one who said this has been going on for almost a year. Why would he assume a 35 minute conversation with him half-asleep could repair everything??? I remember I began crying - not that I planned to, but I remember trying to speak and I just couldn't. I know I began hyper-ventilating. Which of course is what I do when I have a panic attack.
We talked and talked that day pretty much saying everything that was on our minds. Except I still didn't tell him I found his pics and his fubar profile looking for "anyone to talk to". It was painful knowing I was right there all along. We both were. And we weren't speaking to each other ALL this time.
I needed someone to talk to too, but I journal and I guess that's the difference. Not that journaling was doing anything to help.
During the conversation that morning before Sammy's appt, he briefly mentioned that he couldn't trust me. WHAT?? That stuck in my head like glue. What did he say exactly? Did he think I would cheat on him?? But no, it wasn't that. He said he couldn't trust that I would keep my word and talk to him about what's on my mind. He couldn't "trust" that I wouldn't turn into a bitch again and begin blaming him for everything that went wrong. He couldn't trust that I really did love him.
I'm thinking its interesting he used the word trust because here I was not really trusting he wasn't have an affair with anyone on-line or anywhere for that matter.... I assumed the worst when he stopped talking to me. I was pretty sure it was because I was so moody. And that with me being pregnant and unattractive. I mean we weren't even remotely physical for almost 2 weeks before Sammy came and then of course for 4 weeks (it was suppose to be 6) weeks afterwards. And then of course after the baby has come I'm not exactly in the best shape either. Lots of flab and droopy boobs. Yeah.. how attractive. I felt he had totally lost all interest in me, mentally and physically as well.
One thing I realize is that trust is the most important thing in a relationship. You don't want to ever LOSE it. But in this case our trust were two different issues, yet in some fashion I believe they were related. He couldn't trust me and I was losing my trust in him.
I've also found out that sometimes those who don't trust cannot be trusted. They often find themselves tied in to each other...
I also couldn't help but think about everything he told me that went wrong in his first marriage with Kelly. I never wanted to become anything close to Kelly. She was a total nut case. And it was Sam who had to end things. He said she asked him "Do you want me to leave?" He said yes. Images of that being us started filling my head.
During our brief conversation I said I was worried that I had become so horrible he would leave me. Although I was thinking he would be leaving us.. Me, Little Sammy, Rachel and Sarah. His response was "he didn't want to leave" - NOT.. "I would never leave". Did he say it that way on purpose? In my head that was the same as saying "he could still leave - the verdicts not really in yet". So yeah this is why our 35 minute conversation barely resolved anything that morning.
Over this past week we have talked and talked. We are still talking things out. I really do feel things are 99% better. And Sam does too.
In fact they are the best they have been in our marriage to this date. Sad but true.
I'm annoyed knowing that my 6 weeks off work felt "wasted". I was so miserable with my life that I didn't even get to enjoy Sammy. I cried every single day. Nursing made me feel so close to Sammy and I would get so depressed thinking his mom and dad were headed towards a divorce and we've only been married a year in July.
We had a beautiful week at the beach weather wise during week 4. Took the girls out of school and they seem to enjoy themselves. But.... again.... I got no rest and spent almost every day and night staying up with the baby then "pretending" to be happy during the day. I prayed every night Sam would wake up and make me breakfast, or even just coffee to show he cared. But he didn't. In fact, I would cry any time I was alone. I even took a record number of pain killers to mask my depression and failing emotions. They helped. ALOT.
We even manage to have sex one night. The first time since birth. It was painful, but I felt it was very forced on Sam's part. I totally felt physically unwanted. I drank every chance I could get - that didn't help me.
Just a note - I wish I could drink troubles away like Sam does, but my body just won't allow me to consume that much alcohol without feeling bad. Not to mention the headaches. i get them after only two or three drinks. It sucks! I'll never become an alcoholic that's for sure. So you can see why pain killers would be my biggest threat. Easy and no pain... what's not to love.
Anyway...
I shouldn't dwell on any of this because we've been talking ever since and YES we really are going to be okay. We did finally talk about why he joined fubar and he said he would not go back on. If its only to talk about gaming stuff I don't mind, but to meet women or talk to them, its not fine. He assured me (and I do believe him) that he never had those kinds of conversations nor had he cheated on me or EVER would. I do believe him.
Its just a shame about how all of this got so out of hand before it was resolved. And i can't help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn't stopped and finally said "talk to me" what's wrong... its just too much to even think about and the good news is it didn't.
I'm hoping we have both learned from all of this and I can learn to forgive him as he says he has forgiven me. Forgiving has never been my strong point. Okay - maybe its not forgiving I have a problem with, but more like forgetting. With the right words and actions I can be convinced. I am convinced that he loves me with all that he is and that after all of this our relationship is even stronger than its ever been.
Now its time to enjoy that beautiful son of ours and our loving girls.
1:59 p.m. - 2007-10-17
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