Saturday/Sunday Day four and five...
Well Friday night was a complete nightmare. I was dreading coming home because I knew John and I would have to tell the girls about the divorce. By far the worst feeling I've ever had in my entire life. We told them around 8:00 and they cried. What was left of my heart just completely blew apart. I felt like a rock just sitting there talking over and over trying to reassure them we weren't going to desert them and that I wouldn't ever be that far away. I also told them it would take some time before I would move out, which was a mistake. With each day that passes John becomes more and more miserable.
I am still trying to make the girls laugh smile and keep them at ease with things. All in all they handled it pretty well. I do believe telling them as young as possible is the best thing you could do. It gives them time to adjust to their lives as their lives are still in constant change anyway. Don't get me wrong...NO TIME is ever a good time to tell your children such news....but I'm just guessing since Rod couldnt' go through with it.. maybe because my girls are young it made it a little easier to accept and move on.
I think telling them I'll be around for a while was a mistake because I literally am going nuts living here with John. Its horrible. I'm lonely - even lonelier than before now that Rod has dumped me. I was supposed to have his support.... I'm still very disappointed that I had to do this on my own. They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I should be fucking hercules by the end of this year!! I'll be strong, but I'm afraid I'll also be stone cold. Nobody is ever going to want to be around me. Thank God my girls will always be there....they are all I have left in my heart and my life.
8:35 a.m. - 2005-08-07
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