Sunday, December 11th...
Sam just left a litte bit ago. Boy does it make me sad to see him go, and horny.... I always think about one last quick fuck before he's gone. Yeah I'm horny alright!!! But...we both still have our own living arrangements and neither can be completely ignored for too long. I mean what the hell...he has been here since last Thursday - a flood could have come and washed out his house for all we know! Its a good thing he doesn't have any pets to keep running back to his place for....well....until now.
John handed the cats over to me on Saturday and even though they spent all day yesterday and today getting acclimated, they are over at Sam's till my landlord says its okay for them to be here. Well she did say it was okay, but there's forms and stuff and....enough about that.
I was in such deep thought tonight...really just about a bunch of shit. First, how Sam and I have been playing with fire. Sex without getting that "wrap" on quick enough and shit like that. At times oh my GOD....its the farthest thing from our mind. He's fucking unbelievable!!! Makes me shake from head to toe. And...then BAM hard again within minutes afterwards. Shit! How does he do that? Even 15 years ago I don't remember meeting any guy who could go at it over and over like this. What can I say, but I'm the fuckin luckiest girl in town,lol. But then I think GOD another baby at 38? What the hell is wrong with me? Whatever - I would do it. Sam is special and I can see him being a permanent part of my life very easily. But I'm still very guarded with that too. What if he wakes up some day and realizes who he is with...an old lady.
And I blame Rod for that. Not that Rod made me feel old, but Rod also made me believe that he needed me in his life and wanted that more than anything in the world. Even though I didn't feel the same once I saw how dark he really was..he still had me believing it was worth sacrificing my happiness. Asshole!! I know I shouldn't say it but I really do hope he's fuckin miserable now. That the slut wife of his is screwing every guy she gets her hands on and that above all...he sees how much he screwed up when he decided he didn't want me in his life. Yeah that does mean there's something inside me that still loves him, but I will learn from that too. Sam is incredibly sexy, good looking, amazing in bed and willing to do just about anything for me. And he doesn't take any shit from me...well not too much. He's quick to remind me that I'm not perfect, lol. So funny to hear it being thrown back at me too like that. God I love that man.
We hinto around about our "future" and what we would like...with families and houses and vacations. We have even discussed finances a few times too. Yeah we are very comfortable with each other, but how the hell did that only take 8 weeks and yet in almost a year and a half I had no clue who Rod was...?
Guess the answer is obvious. I was never meant to know and it was never meant to be. Makes you kind of wonder if it was Gods work, doesn't it? In a strange sort of way.
I realized today how much I really enjoy and love having Sam around...just with little stuff. Like being able to help the girls with homework and running to the store while in the middle of making something. Then right as he was leaving I caught the tale end of Gray's Anatomy. Derrick told his wife that just because he came back didn't mean he was never in love with Meredith. Oh boy... Yep, that sent my mind a reeling. And of course that's what landed me here tonight at midnight...typing in my diary. Just thoughts.
Do I have any feelings left for Rod? Yes, I know I do.
Do I love Sam more than what's left in my heart for Rod...? That is what I don't know the answer to. I believe that I do.
With each day that passes, it becomes more and more clearer to me that Sam and I were meant to be. And when I think how much thought I gave to Sam and I years before he even knew I existed it blows my mind - the irony of it all. But I do know that a good bit of that was all because of Mike and how much he reminded me of him. The funny part about all of this and even being in this relationship is that I'm questioning my love for him.... and yet I know I've loved him long before this even started. I guess its because I'm so guarded. I honestly know for a fact I've thought about Sam long before my marriage was headed to an end. Now that's a mind blower, isn't it?
Its no wonder we are so comfortable around each other. I wonder what Sam thinks about us sometimes too. Does he feel that he should have met me years before..? Does he wish that he met me before he even spent time with his ex? You should have no regrets. I know I have very few myself. I wonder if he thinks about me being his wife and us having children? (I'm pretty sure he does) or does he just think that because we have incredible sex that we are a match made in heaven... God I hope not. I mean I hope its more than the sex, pretty sure it is. That does wear off eventually.
Maybe its just too late and I really just need to get to bed.....and stop thinking too much!
11:40 p.m. - 2005-12-11
Recent entries:
BAMBOOZLED? - 2016-10-04
Beer, Boobs and Bacon - 2016-09-30
Your Battery is Low - 2016-09-29
Day Drinking. Alone. - 2016-09-23
More Wine Please. - 2016-09-21
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
blah-g
Barefoot Ruby
misfitstray
alwayshiding
nineofswords.
catsoul
jimbostaxi
astitchaway
starkitten01
sundaygirl
matt
dangerspouse
tomatogirl
curious-me