Well its been an interesting week. Cherie called me Friday with a notice that Rod dropped something off to her and asked her to get it to me asap. I told her it was probably a check. So we "faked" a lunch on our calenders knowing we would see each other today for the office luncheon over at their offices.
I figured he had been checking my calendar and saw the "fake" lunch planed. He e-mailed her first thing Tuesday morning and said did you give her the envelope? She said yes. He said, well did she say anything? She said no. And he said, nothing? She said look I gave it to her she put it in her purse she didn't do anything with it. LOL - so I told Cherie she had better open it up and read it so I could have a clue as to what it said. She was funny. Kept asking me if I was sure. I was like "Listen Cherie there's not a whole lot you don't know here just open it and let me know if its anything more than a check" so she did.
There was a note with the check. It said. Dear Lin, I closed out the acount and felt it only right to send you the check. Don't think I didn't think about keeping it (smiley face). I hope this letter finds you well. I hope you were able to get the house. I would have spoken to you at the ITC conference the other day, but I felt it was awkward with Sam being there. I hope you are happy, I am. Merry Christmas, Rod.
After all the e-mails he avoided from me. Not responding to any of the jokes. LITERALLY going out of his way to avoid me at the ITC conference; I guess he decided he was truly being immature and childish.
Somehow I felt we could still be friends. Afterall, we started out as friends. Friends who needed to talk and get things off our chests. We did our best to keep it mutual for such a long time before there was anything else.... I missed that. Yeah, he could have just closed out the account and gave me cash or something. Done. He just had to get the LAST word in....
So of course its been on my mind to speak to him. I want to, but I don't want to stir up any old feelings. I will never be treated that poorly again by any man. He was miserable. He made me feel horrible so many times. He made me worry about things I'd rather not worry about and of course he ended the relationship stating everything intimate we ever shared and all the love I thought we had between us and that he said he felt for me was a lie. Yeah I'm not very eager to speak to him again.
But I did. Today was the p-vest xmas party. I spoke with him for all of a couple of minutes. It was a generic conversation like something between two strangers. When I looked at him I could tell I still had feelings for him. Dammit. I'm trying to convince myself here that I don't. I will get over it and get over him.
Besides I have Sam now. And Sam is perfect in everyway. A perfect man. A perfect gentleman. A perfect lover. And a perfect boyfriend. I'm just worried about moving too fast with Sam. Worried that I'm setting myself up for a heartbreak. I hope not. I enjoy speaking of our future, but we have only been dating for two months, in reality. I am certain he is in love with me, but at times I wonder how much I'm in love with him. I think that's how I know I'm guarded. I know me. And I know I should be head over heels completely in love with him and most of the time I feel like I am, but then I have those moments where I'm not.
So here is the letter that will never be sent to Mr. Rod:
Dear Rod,
I'm glad that you finally found happiness being back with your wife. And for finding the love that you deserve.
You say that you hope I am happy. I wonder why you would hope anything "good" for me when you told me you NEVER cared about me or felt anything close to love.
Okay, so maybe I exaggerate. You simply said you were trying to convince yourself you were in love with me and realized you weren't. No, wait... you said you were NEVER in love with me... nice touch.
So am I happy? Most days I am. I think that I have convinced myself that as long as I'm happy, its almost like being in love. Am I in love? I'm not really sure. I love the idea of being with someone like Sam, but I still question how deep my love for him really goes. I want it to be deeper, madly and passionately, but its not. Yet. He is good to me. I deserve that. I try to be equally as good to him. He deserves it in return. It's still new, and I know it will take time.
He would provide well for me and I would never want for anything while I'm with him. Except, right now, I do. I want to be in love, the love that I felt for you. To fill this void. I want to feel the excitement that I would get just knowing you were going to meet me somewhere, just seeing your name in my inbox at work. Yet when I miss those things it amazes me how quickly I have forgetten all the bad things that came with you.
Oh yeah - there were plenty of bad things. Mainly how absolutely miserable you were, how stressed you were, how financially troubled you are now and will most likely be the rest of your life. I left that life behind when I ended my marriage. Am I a magnet for miserable or what?
It amazes me that I sometimes forget that you often acted like you could care less if I was even around you. How you made me think you were excited to have me and my heart and looked forward to "showing me off" to your friends. But then said it was all a lie when you told me you NEVER loved me and had been convincing yourself you were the whole time we were together. I think the funny thing is that I agree you are a liar. But only because you deny how you felt and sure you didnt' feel those things any more at the end, you still lied when you said NEVER. I'm not that naive. I know what it feels like to love. I remember. I'm not dead you MOTHER FUCKER!!
Okay so I still have a little pain left in me for you. But really, I just know this letter will never find you because I will never send it. I am certain of that. Besides, I would want to send it through e-mail with a read receipt..and well... I will be crushed at the first delete/reject receipt I get back, so I won't do that to myself. Part of me just wonders if you are reaching by writing the note. By purposly standing next to me at your staff luncheon. Maybe you miss the friendship and maybe that's what I miss the most too. I enjoyed flirting with you above all else. But I know that I will try to go as far as I can with something like that and that is wrong. I will not do that to myself either. And Sam certainly doesn't deserve a girlfriend who does stuff like that either.
I wanted so bad to tell you today that Sam and I are planning on spending our Christmas together, that it is Sam and I who will be with my girls Christmas day. That Sam (unlike you)lives for our happiness. In fact he pretty much let me know he'll move anywhere to be with me and doing anything to provide for me and my girls because we are all a part of his life now. Yes, in fact I do love that man there's no doubt about it, just in a different way. He can make me very happy, maybe not in "love" the way it should or could be felt, the way I remember, but he will make a good life for me. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and he makes me feel very safe and secure. I know I would never have that with you, just passion and brutal honesty, probably the kind that hurts. And only when things are really rough would I remember that I feel for you deep in my heart. I imagine a life with you would remind me of that way too often. Rough times are suppose to be far and few between.
You look good today, and that sucked. Be well Mr. Rod and even though I hope you are eating your heart out.... I wish you best of luck in making your marriage work because I do care about all my friends and their happiness.
Linda
And I can be sure over anything else....this letter will remain right here in Diaryland!
4:37 p.m. - 2005-12-21
Recent entries:
BAMBOOZLED? - 2016-10-04
Beer, Boobs and Bacon - 2016-09-30
Your Battery is Low - 2016-09-29
Day Drinking. Alone. - 2016-09-23
More Wine Please. - 2016-09-21
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
blah-g
Barefoot Ruby
misfitstray
alwayshiding
nineofswords.
catsoul
jimbostaxi
astitchaway
starkitten01
sundaygirl
matt
dangerspouse
tomatogirl
curious-me