Okay.... so I needed to put this one down in writing to get the thought out of my head for me to look at it squarely.
I'm a grump. I'm a grump at times I feel like I shouldn't even be CLOSE to being grumpy. I love Sam with all my heart but I am often VERY rude or mean to him. I don't like it and he takes it stating he loves me no matter what. I usually end up apologizing for being such a crank, but why am I like that?
I think it has something to do with John and even more so Rod. Both of them turned out to be extremely grumpy people. They had enough grump in them I had no time for my own feelings when in their presence. Sam is pleasant. All the time happy. And now it seems I get my chance at being grumpy. So I'm like that alot. But now when I look in the mirror I see myself at times acting like Rod AND I can't stand it. He was fuckin miserable. And made me feel miserable. I was always trying to cheer him up. He treated me very badly and that's the last thing I want to do to poor Sam. I love Sam so very much. I would be absolutely crushed if Sam said "enough is enough" and left me.
So.....I need to figure out a way to get my anger in check so it doesn't get to that blow up point where I say things without thinking them out. I see Sam trying to cheer me up the way I used to try to cheer up Rod. And even worse he said to me this morning that he feels he did something wrong. OH NO!! That's how I always felt when I was with Rod. This has got to STOP!!! .
I am still holding things in when they annoy me because I think I'm doing the right thing by not voicing my opinion when its so little and trivial, I mean why bother, right? But all those little trivial things add up and put me at my blow up point then I blurt out stupid things. I know I need to just either find a way to chill, relax and take a breath or discretely express my annoyances no matter how small they are.
Okay...that's it. That feels better to put it in writing. Hopefully I can sit here and stare at it a while and figure something out
8:55 a.m. - 2006-03-17
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