I'm still trying to decide how I feel about things....
Its been a mostly pleasant week but I have such feelings of doubt and often while I'm at work. . . .they get me really down. The day before yesterday I asked Sam how he was feeling - just in general and he said he was still having problems sleeping.
That lead into a discussion of him saying he's still feeling out of control with both work and home. Mostly work, but still with things at home - but he gave me no specifics. Not sure how I'm supposed to be aware or address the issues if he doesn't give me details.
Last night he came home from bowling. I was tired so I went to bed an hour later. I hadn't seen him all day, then again all night, then he stayed up and when he did go to bed he went to Rachel's room. He said to give me a full night's sleep. Instead I laid awake during the night wondering what he was up to? Why he didnt' come to bed?
I wouldn't have worried, but with the way things have been its leaving me exhausted and not fulfilled.
My response to his statement of feeling out of control was that I knew what he was feeling because I'm feeling doubtful. He didn't jump on asking me what I meant.
But.....I did get an e-mail just yesterday though asking me what I meant... but he didn't really reply to that either. I told him I find myself constantly questioning my actions and second guessing myself - and wondering on things I normally wouldn't even give a second thought to. I dont' even have an opinion on things I normally do!!!
Its seriously such a horrible feeling I wish we could get past all of this. I keep hoping the pain killers the doctor prescrivbed will kick in and I can be numb. I think that would be a better feeling - don't you?
We did have a really good weekend. We went to dinner at Bumper Bob's Saturday and then again to O'Rorke's in Gettysburg on Sunday (without child). It was a really good time.
I want to believe we are connecting, but I can't trust that his actions are what they appear to be. He has all but admitted that he's just 'gone throught he motion' so many times before without feeling that I don't know if things are really improving or if he's just trying to talk himself into this marriage again.
Oh...woe is me! Enough of this pity party. Time to go walk!
12:16 p.m. - 2008-04-30
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