First of all, I'm doing my best here to stay awake..... I'm so very sleepy right now I could crawl under my desk and sleep off the rest of the afternoon.
It was one of those nights again... fall asleep early enough, but wake up WIDE awake an hour or two later.
Actually last night was a little later than usual - I went to bed I think around midnight. And then I've been awake mostly since 2am. Although I was awake last night with the most peace of mind I've had in months.
Sam and I talked about us. It was a very good talk. He finally opened up to me and told me what he's been thinking lately. And I listened.
This was a follow-up conversation from the one we began Saturday morning. He woke up Saturday in such a bad mood. It was taking all that I had to not tell him his comment at 5:30 that morning completely hurt my feelings. On Friday he stated he wanted to get some work done on a project for his office. He realized the only way for that to happen would be to go into his office because Rachel was having a sleep-over and he wouldn't be able to radio in from home. He needs the computer in the basement for that.
Anyway - Friday we decided to have a fire in the fire pit. Early on I became sleepy and fell asleep on the futon. I woke up and joined him a little later. It was cool and breezy outside. I wanted so badly to sit and enjoy the night with him, but I was just too cold. Even with the warmth of the fire. Something was bothering me yet, but I can't remember now what it was. Maybe the distant look in his eyes. Maybe it was still the uncertainty of things or starting to feel guilty somehow that his not being able to get work done Friday night was my fault.
We sat in silence for the short time we did manage to spend together. He brought up conversation and so did I, but none of it ever felt real.... just something to fill the silence.
So I went to bed.
The next morning I woke up at 5a.m. and he never came to bed. That bothers me so much even if he's doing it to allow me some sleep. It just bothers me.
When I found him asleep on Sarah's bed with the baby, the only thing I could ask was did he stay up all night? He said yes. I said were you able to get some work done? Wondering if he decided to say 'screw it' and go down to the basement - but instead he snapped back at me... NO - I played hearts and read newswires all night. I can't do any work on the kitchen computer.
I was in shock that he snapped at me like that I only said - Oh? I didn't know you couldn't do work there. (And I did know). I guess I was just thinking if he was researching a potential software problem he could at least be surfing the web for answers - not necessarily radioing in to work... BUT... my answer was obviously the wrong thing to say tp that too.
He got even more pissed with "NO" "I've told you before - the only computer I can work on is the basement". Ugh. I knew I messed up, but he was so pissed at this point I just didn't even think I should defend myself with such a lame excuse as to why I said that in the first place.
Bad start to the morning.
Sam finally woke about 1:30 that afternoon. And that's when I asked him what was going on. Through a quiet conversation (because the girls were close) he admitted that he's holding grudges towards me. He's mad at me for so many things and doesn't even know where to start. Things he can't get past.
I suggested if he can't tell me (because he said he doesn't know how to even start)that he should write them down in a list and I will read them and allow him to explain without making any comments in return.
That would be difficult to not defend myself, but I love him and want to be able to listen to his concerns and understand his feelings. He said he would do that. I offered to do the same - although, once again I felt he didn't care about mine - since I had to offer - he didn't request it. All the same I felt this may be a step in the right direction.
I never found time to put together a list. Neither did he.
Later that Saturday he took another nap for another two hours. Around 6:00 that evening he asked what I was thinking or feeling. I couldn't hold back what I was feeling. PANIC. I had two panic attacks immediately following the conversation. After all he was saying these grudges were things he can't seem to get past. I read that as he can't forgive me and needs to move on..... So YES I was panicking BIG TIME.
He gave me a hug and assured me he wants to work things out - he's not thinking about leaving or considering divorce. That gave me a lot of relief. That night he slept from 11pm till around 9am. I was awake most of the night with Sammy.
This brings us to last night. Last night we talked about the feelings he had that were causing him to wake up hating me. He said it all sums up to one thing....... He feels I'm not being included in his life.
It hurts to hear that, and yet as I heard him speak the words it made me realize I feel the same way. I feel he's not in my life and doesn't want to be. I feel he shuts me out all the time. I feel he doesn't want me to be a part of his life.
Something he keeps bringing up is how he can't trust I won't react the way I used to and become cold again. This still goes back to the days Bernie had me stressed. My entire pregnancy. This goes back to ALL those days he said I was a bitch.
Why does he keep going back to that? It has been MONTHS since we discussed what was going on. We talked about that over and over and I've made such an effort to not give in to anger...to open up and discuss what I'm feeling with him. And yet....here he is...still throwing all those mistakes back in my face.
I hate to even remember the look he has each time he says this. You can literally see the hatred in his eyes every time he brings it up. He spits it out "I want to open up - but HOW can I trust you won't do that again??"
It was about all I can take to hear him say that once again. I asked how it is that he can't forgive me and move past that mistake when I've forgiven him for all of his. Let's face it. He's lied to me over and over again. He was ready to have an on-line affair. He blatantly broke 5-6 promises to me about his drinking. And yet I forgave him. I still don't know how I'm suppose to trust him again. But I do - each time he asks me to trust him... I do.
He goes out of his way to block me out. Walks by me without even the slightest touch. Purposely gets up and walk out of the room in the mornings without a kiss. I try not to believe he did those things to hurt me, but I know he did.
He said again that he doesn't want to open up to me because he doesn't want to get hurt. But its okay to keep hurting me? No wonder I was so confused.
I'm all about fair... but he's not being fair. I open up, I let him in and he hurts me over and over and over....am I an idiot??
I didn't want to journal about all this bad stuff once again today because the end result of our conversation last night is that he finally opened up to me.
Once we began talking, he revealed that he felt I no longer cared about him. He brought up the day he hurt himself right after I had Sammy. He thought I didn't care that he hurt himself. Until he saw that I was crying.
I cried my eyes out at the Emergency Room that day worried sick about him. How is that NOT caring?
I cared enough to bite my tongue and not say 75% of what I was really thinking. I cared enough to journal whenever I could to sort out my thoughts before reacting. I cared enough to go on each day instead of blowing up and running away. He never thought I cared. And I did, and still do with all my heart.
As much as I listened and remained quiet with no comment. I knew I had to let him know - it was unfair for him to keep holding this grudge against me. Especially when I've forgiven him ALL his mistakes. It was as though he doesn't want to fix things. And amongst all the tears, humility and pain I believe he finally did agree to let it go and forgive me those mistakes.
I don't expect him to forget. I can't forget all those things he did to me, but I forgave him. Last night he said he forgives me.
Last night I listened to what he was scared of. I listened to what he has been wanting to say all along.
And this morning he was happy. He said he felt that last night I finally listened to him.
1:25 p.m. - 2008-05-05
Recent entries:
BAMBOOZLED? - 2016-10-04
Beer, Boobs and Bacon - 2016-09-30
Your Battery is Low - 2016-09-29
Day Drinking. Alone. - 2016-09-23
More Wine Please. - 2016-09-21
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
blah-g
Barefoot Ruby
misfitstray
alwayshiding
nineofswords.
catsoul
jimbostaxi
astitchaway
starkitten01
sundaygirl
matt
dangerspouse
tomatogirl
curious-me