Did you ever just feel like you're falling apart? I feel that way today, this morning. Its only 6am, but I've been up since 5 a.m. and up off an on all night. My thumb on my right hand is sore and throbbing because I've manage to jab myself under the nail some how. Its tender. Then last night as I was running for take-out for dinner, I somehow manage to bite the side of my mouth and now I have a huge sore bump inside my mouth? What the fuck? On top of all of this I've got the beginning of yet another migraine going on. Reason #1 why I couldn't sleep last night. The headache I went to bed with kept threatening to turn migraine. And. Well....here it is. See? Falling apart! AND on top of all this, my kid (8 years old) appears to have been up ALL night! He's never awake at 5am and lo and behold there he was watching videos on the iPad this morning WIDE awake! I'm sending his ass to school. We'll see how long he makes it through the day. Ha.
Yesterday was weigh-in day. I was down at 179.8, but my body fat went up and muscle mass went down. Shit. Friday I ran 5 miles and did absolutely NO weight training. Saturday, Sunday and Yesterday I didn't do barely anything since I'm fighting some kind of cold and have literally no energy.
I'm feeling like poop and eating crappy food. No wonder I was only at 179.8 during weight in! To be honest, I expected it to be higher than last time. With the new meds, and had I been diligent in sticking to the exercise routines, I would have probably been down to 172 this week. I need to find something that completely motivates me to stay on track and work towards building muscle. I also need to stay away from Easter candy. Weakness. Oh those marshmallow peeps. They keep calling me....Eat me Eat me! I've only had 5 peeps so far this year though. 140 empty calories. Ugh. Stay strong!
In other news, its the WOT3 at BMT for Sarah. This means she will be getting her Airforce Blues and learning how to deal mentally with being in combat. As I was laying in bed the other night, feeling yucky, I kept thinking about how she has to get up every day for 8 weeks and run 3-5 miles then do a full day of military exercises and take classes. I probably could've done this at her age, but sure as hell can't right now. Not while I'm sick anyway. Ha! If I really gave it any thought, my whole life is like military. I don't get sick days. Always so much to do and I go all day long running errands, taking care of house things, kid things and all while trying to take care of my own physical requirements to stay healthy. Yup Mommy Military. Regardless, I was thinking of Sarah doing all of this and was super proud! Out of the 2 older daughters, she is my self-disciplined one. I've always said this. During high school I would say top grades came easy to her, but in reality it was more like she was self-disciplined and worked herself hard to make those grades. Rachel, not so much. We (mostly Sam) had to hold her hand and help her through the academic classes. She had good grades to suffice, but wasn't driven to make the TOP of her class type grades. That was Rachel being Rachel.
So now in life, Rachel is still that way. At 20 she is Rachel still being Rachel. She has 2 jobs, she makes enough money to meet her needs, but has no drive to move upward to better things. She has what she needs right now to suffice. In some regards, this is me and my sister repeating history. And even though Rachel is so much like me and Sarah has always reminded me of my sister, Ruby. In this situation, its reversed. I always wanted to do the best at everything. I'm extremely competitive, and always looking to better myself. I had 4 jobs when I was 18. I worked at a Stained Glass shop, then off to a Bakery to prepare the frozen breads for baking the next morning, then 3 times a week I did the books for an eye doctor in town and bartend Friday, Saturday and Sundays at the Hotel in town. Money was power to me back then. I didn't save it, but I didn't exactly spend it on myself. I spent it on my rent, my mom's house bills (she had fallen behind), my little brother and food for all of us.
Needless to say, I moved up from all those jobs into state government where I continued to climb the job ladder and invest my money a little smarter. Not without a few learning lessons however.
My sister, had many jobs too, but never seem to try to move up. She was super smart in school, but never applied herself. She could've been a journalist or writer for a magazine or something. She has the skill. But nope. She's still struggling with random jobs answering phones and doing customer service. She's 50 years old and has no retirement or healthcare. Or house. Or children. She has basically done what she needed to do to suffice for the moment. And here she is with nothing to show for it.
The point is, I don't want any of that for Rachel. So Sam and I need to sit down and have a talk with her about where she wants to go. What she wants her future to hold. One thing she does have over my sisters is that she's beautiful. But seriously? You can't depend on your looks to plan your future. She wants to become a YOGA instructor. Which is fine as one of her jobs, right now, is at a gym. But, she hasn't taken the classes.
I think Sam gets irritated because he knows she's not saving enough of her money. She's saving, but its about one-month's salary and that's not enough. Plus - she's a toker. She's probably smoking pot every day. We really don't care if this is what she chooses to do on her own time, but that's a luxury she shouldn't be affording herself right now. And again, I know deep inside this is also what my sister used to do. It was never my thing. I never really liked it. I got my highs from accomplishing things. Even if it was something simple like cleaning a car, a room or organizing files. I guess some people are just wired differently.
Sam should relate to this, since he too likes to numb himself usually with alcohol. The difference is, he earned that right. He's been 100% successful in life and wants that for Rachel too.
And once again all the focus is on Rachel and not Sarah. So one of my secret resolutions this year is to make sure I put a little more focus on Sarah and all her accomplishments in life. She's only 18, but she's well on her way to a good life.
Ok - time to send that kid off to school.
5:57 a.m. - 2016-03-08
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