So life has been absolutely wonderful. I was meeting Rod every day for lunch. Every day that I could...and when we didn't meet for lunch we met first thing before work - some days even after work.
He was getting depressed about having to go home to a wife he no longer loves and all he could think about was being with me. It hurt me to see him so depressed but I knew that some day soon we would be together forever...to live the life we were meant to have together and in love.
Had a wonderful weekend with Lori in Ocean City. Text message him every chance I got. His son was having a party for his 21st birthday this weekend although his birthday was on the 24th..
Anyway I sent him messages saying I hope he was having fun and that I was thinking about him..... he was my every thought....so...well shit hit the fan Saturday night after he got drunk. His wife found his cell and the text messages and called my cell phone. He said he had been getting sloppy hoping she would find out...well she did.
Needless to say I was sick about it because I kept thinking she was probably doing everything in her power to find out what was going on and threatening him every chance she got. I could only think of one thing she could try to take away that would hurt him... his family. But really didn't think she could do that. So not knowing since Sunday what was going on he finally called me today. TUESDAY!!! Well first thing this morning he deleted all my e-mails which he knew I would get unread receipts... then he said we need to talk at lunch. He even hung up on me. So unfair. So unfair.
So... to cut right to chase he said he couldn't do it....
He couldn't end his marriage because it would tear his family apart. His kids, his mom, his grandmother. He said all of them begged him not to do it. He said he had to call everyone in his ENTIRE family and apologize to them. Not sure about what he had to apologize to the family members for and maybe I'll never know. All I was still hearing was..He couldn't do it.....
He did say he had to grow up, be mature and be the man he should have been his whole life. He said he hoped I was woman enough to let it go. I wouldn't answer him... he said please tell me you are woman enough to let it go... I said I can't, but if you are asking me hoping I wont' try to call, e-mail or stalk you - you never had to worry about that with me. And he knows that's true. I cant' help but think..or maybe just hope that he's just still scared and thinks this is what is best..knowing deep down its not where his heart is. He said he's done with us and all of this. He couldn't do it....
I can't even begin to describe how hurt I am by all of this, but I'm sure I was just the lessor of the two evils. The shortest of both pains. Not sure about shortest..maybe for him. Not me.
I keep thinking about how he made me promise that I didnt' doubt him, how he felt about me or doubt that he wouldnt' go through with it... and here he is. Ending it. He couldn't do it....
He's right... and should have just told me from the very beginning instead of tearing my heart out. But I'm the fool here... I trusted, I loved and still do. When all along i should have just known... he couldn't do it.
12:42 p.m. - 2005-08-02
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