The discussion over the weekend had to do with, once again, me being a mean person. WTF?? I've been make all sorts of efforts to be nicer, bite my tongue and not get mad.
I am starting to believe I have major anger issues because I'm the only one trying to constantly be nice around here.
I made a comment to Hailey (the dog) that she needed to find something to do, maybe she could use a rawhide. Sam says "Hailey, go get your bone" I said oh, did you already give her one? He says "no, did you". Now.... when he says that it translates to me "No, why should I be doing it - why can't you??" I obviously didn't hold my tongue quick enough because my response was a quick sound of disgust and "ugh".
He says "what??" Like what did I do wrong now?? He doesn't hear things the way I do. I know I'm not nuts here - I ran the same scenario past several peopel and they too agreed with me that his response of "no, did you?" always sounds cocky! I explained, calmly, how I interpreted his response. This lead into a huge conversation about "what is wrong with you today?" and a bunch of other crap.
Well of course it turns out there were other things wrong with both of us that day. He was feeling guilty about sleeping in half the day again and automatically assumed I was pissed. I wasn't and in return he wouldn't even spend more than 2 minutes in my presence!! I was feeling a bit rejected and for what? I mean what did I do, right?
It was just getting too much to even talk to him - I just wanted to hold my head and sit there and cry. I was in pain from my 7 month back problem, tired from staying up with the baby and now he was accusing me ONCE again of being this mean horrible person. LORD if he only knew all the crap I held back from saying.... he'd tell me to go f*ck myself!
So making it sound like I obviously misread his response out of haste, I apologized for getting so mad at his resonse. THEN his response was "That's okay - I'm used to it" OMFG!! I could have jumped across the floor and shaken him senseless with WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? Used to it? You have NO idea!!
Okay - so that was the weekend. Here we go to last night...
Last night, I was tired. I started a new steroid for current back condition. I think it made me extremely tired or gee.... I dont know maybe I was tired from having to get up with the baby the night before and NOT getting any make-up sleep yet. Anyway - I fell asleep around 9:30. He woke me on the couch and said I shoudl go to bed. Okay. He walks me up - I apologize (like I do a thousand times a week) that I'm so tired and falling asleep and here it is ONLY 9:30pm and he's wide awake and will now have to spend the remainder of his evening alone.
A note about this: IF he went to be at the same time I usually do 11:00-Midnight, maybe, just maybe he may not be so difficult to get his ass out of bed in the morning and could POSSIBLY even wake up with the baby. He claims the baby wakes up after midnight and he has to take care of him. I'm sure that does happen, but he doesn't even try to go to bed.
Anyway - I apologized and fell asleep. He stays awake. He finally shows up to bed around 2:00 a.m. - I smell what else? but alcohol on his breath. I'm thinking "F*CK!! He's half drunk and I'll never be able to wake him in the morning" not to mention he PROMISED me once again that he wouldn't have anything without asking me first - regardless of whether or not I was sleeping. He promised. Have I not mentioned that I'm finally learning that his promises are hallow?
We discussed the fact that he had a drink without asking me. He said he was all proud because he only had a shot and called it quits. Yes, that is good news Sam, but what about the promise that you would ask first? The reason behind the promise is so I can trust that he does have control. I mean what if? What if he didn't stop? What if he stayed down there ALL night and never came upstairs? What if he got even more drunk and jeapardized the baby's safety once again? And now how can I rest at night "knowing" he's not asking me before he takes that first sip?
I'm not the one who asked him to tell me. He set that rule up to gain my trust back. I agreed because Yes, part of the problem is that I lay awake restless at night wondering if he's drinking and whether or not I shoudl try to sleep or stay awake so the baby is safe.
We talked about it for about 30 minutes. He said he was feeling extremely depressed because he broke his promise once again. He shoudl have told me. He did use the excuse that he didnt' want to wake me. NO we agreed - he was to wake me, he was not allowed to USE that excuse. Damn it!
I could tell he was feeling so bad about it, and it really wasn't all that much of a big deal to me. That's the really weird part!
Because for all that it represented, the drinking problem, iresponsibility, and lies - it really seems ridiculous to me that a grown man should have to ASK permission to do something. It was HIS rule, not mine.
And when it all boiled down to it, the reason it really didn't bother me was because when it comes to breaking YET another promise he has made to me....I'm used to it!
So I told him that. Oh yeah - I didn't want to, really. Okay maybe just a little bit for how bad he made me feel when he said it to me about being a bitch.... but I think he finally got a clue. Not really sure just yet.
We talked only briefly on the way to work. I woke up without a lot of my back pain - yeay meds are working. I was in a good mood. Once again - he assumed I woudl wake up pissy. I wasn't at all. I woke up happy.
Seriously - I'm really used to it!!!
3:38 p.m. - 2008-04-04
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